Mike Mariano

If you’re speaking out loud in my presence, please be witty, please. I can’t stand to listen to outright idiotic conversation. Study the following examples.

RIGHT:

Dean Somewhere in the city is a tower shaped like a lipstick tube. I think people from Revlon work there. And they’re all lesbians.

Mike I think it’s safe to assume, then, that they’re all lipstick lesbians.

WRONG:

Train Passenger So dude, tell me who wins in a fight: Spider-man or Jack Bauer?

In less frivolous news, I have completed an addition to Jack, Wanda, and Ben that expands it from a six and a half minute play into a fifteen minute play, at least. Wanda gets a little more range, Ben gets a little more sympathetic, and Jack gets insufferably shrill. I like it!

Will you see this addition on the site? I’m mulling it over.

Also, this revision should have been done a year ago when I had the idea for it. Now I’m slacking off on my current projects.

What projects? Before I picked up JWB, I was working on:

1. My piñata play, tentatively titled Zenyatta Piñata, though it has nothing to do with Sting. And….
2. My Plato’s Republic spoof, titled Philosopher Kings. If successful, this would be a companion piece to Menage a Sartre.

What about my other ideas? Almost all of them are dead, including the two and a half years in the making James and Kathryn. What stopped me cold? I watched Strange Days two weeks ago. It showed me what little real-life inspiration I have to work from.

We have to consider the real victim of this Michael Jackson trial: Marty McFly. He’s having trouble adjusting to the year 2005….

(Hill Valley, 2005. At the arcade, Marty’s attempts to order a Tab and a Pepsi Free have not gone well.)

Marty Look, just give me something without any sugar in it, OK?

(The man puts a large box of Splenda in front of Marty. Elsewhere, Marty hears a video game. He walks over. A young kid approaches him.)

Marty Hey, do you have Wild Gunman?

Kid Wild What-man? I only do Dance Dance Revolution.

Marty You mean I have to use my feet? That’s like exercise!

(Marty begins to play Dance Dance Revolution. At first he is unsuccessful, but then steadies himself and begins to moonwalk, tug at his crotch, shamon, etc. He wins the round.)

Marty What do you think, kid? Just like Michael Jackson.

Kid Michael Jackson?! Ew, pervert!

Marty Pervert?

Parent You keep your Michael Jackson-loving keister away from my son!

(Marty runs away.)

Doc Marty!

Marty Doc!

(Doc is wearing a flannel shirt and sports a soul patch.)

Doc Marty, you’ve got to come back with me! All the way back to the year 1995!

Marty But, Doc—!

Doc First put on this bee suit! All kids dress like tap dancing bumblebees in the year 1995!

Away they go, ready to repeat the exact same dialogue in yet another time period. And we love them for it.