That’s Hip

Those of you who’ve seen my Playscripts author page have seen me in a semi-trendy pair of glasses.

I do not really wear these glasses. This picture is a lie.

I stole this pair of fake frames from Teresa in July of 2002 and didn’t wear them that often. I gave it another try after in early September that year, but it didn’t work. The glasses didn’t hide the fact that, bespectacled or not, I looked like a preteen cancer patient. That’s hip.

For reasons not worth getting into, I woke this Monday morning with a beard. The beard did not accentuate my gawky, pale appearance, and I considered shaving it. Then I decided to again try on the glasses.

Together, they hid enough of my oddly-shaped skull to make me almost presentable. I looked almost like them young people at the coffeeshops.

I walked out the door with both accessories on my face.

The overall reaction at work was, “Oh, that’s interesting.” It was called both “studious” and “fun”—how about that? Only Nancy V. had a definitive negative reaction:

“Mike, you look like an unemployed screenwriter.”

“A screenplay writer; hey, that’s nice.”

“No, Mike, the emphasis in that sentence is on ‘unemployed’! That’s not good!”

I was already drafting my pitches to Miramax.

I wore the glasses only at work. Never while driving (What would you say to a police officer?) and not often at home. So I was surprised on Thursday afternoon when I found the frames of the glasses obstructing my vision.

Especially because I had the glasses off at the time.

As I write this, (late Thursday evening) two shadowed lines are running horizontally across my field of vision. My eyes have determined that the area obstructed by the frames is, after less than a week, a dead spot, and now shows me shades of translucent gray.

Is this supposed to happen? Does everyone with glasses also have big blind lines? I’ve never heard of this, and it has me a little disturbed. I’ve had my fake glasses off for hours now, and it looks like they’ll stay off.

But what does this mean for the beard? They were a team together; it can’t go out into my life all alone! Getting rid of the beard means retreating to the same look I’ve had for a decade, which is preferable to going blind, but unfortunate nonetheless. Looks like my hipster screenwriter days are over.

Time to get that tongue stud.

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