The Marley Show

by Dean Hurley & Mike Mariano

Copyright 1997

On the Internet at: http://mikemariano.com/themarleyshow/

Act I

Scene 1:

The play opens in the living room of Moe Marley’s house. Slim, Moe’s bitter, sarcastic friend, is sitting on the couch reading a newspaper. Moe calls from offstage.

Slim notices the tie sticking out from under the cushion. He pulls the tie out, holds it up, then throws the tie on the ground.

Moe walks in from stage left.

Slim pulls out a yellow tie and a large black marker.

Moe gives Slim an irritated look.

Moe turns his back to the audience looking for his tie revealing a large iron burn on the back of his shirt.

They pause and look at each other, puzzled.

As Moe says:

They look at each other puzzled once more.

Slim begin chuckling and Moe, hoping this is a positive sign, begins chuckling also.

Slim laughs harder, and Moe seems kind of sure where this is headed.

He stops laughing and returns to his gruff state.

Slim simply stares at him. Moe sighs.

Moe gives up his appeals and resumes looking for his tie. Slim picks up the paper and begins to read. Moe turns back to Slim.

Doorbell rings, interrupting Slim. Moe walks over to the front door and opens it. Enter Rachel, Moe’s girlfriend. Slim continues reading the paper, ignoring her.

They hug.

Moe gives Slim an evil stare, exposing his iron burn to Rachel.

Moe attempts to see the burn, turning in circles like a dog chasing its tail.

Rachel stops his spinning.

He thinks, then holds up his hand and says:

He trails off as he picks up the jacket, exposing yet another iron burn.

Moe exits stage left. Rachel sits on the recliner next to Slim. Slim throws down his newspaper as a coo-coo clock begins to tick. There is a long pause; both just stare at each other.

There is another pause and both just sit there. Clock continues to tick.

An uncomfortable silence follows. The clock continues to tick.

Rachel chuckles at her own joke. Slim just stares. Rachel stops.

Coo-coo clock strikes.

Pause.

As she nears Slim, he somersaults off the couch, gets up, and does a dance step.

Beat:

Rachel rises.

Rachel storms out the front door, slamming it behind her.

Slim picks up a dictionary and begins reading. Moe enters from stage left.

Moe looks at the ground and sighs. He spots something.

He sighs again.

Moe turns around and begins putting on his tie revealing another iron burn on the back of his new jacket. Slim shakes his head. Still putting on the tie, Moe opens the front door, begins to walk out, stops, and walks back in.

There is the sound of screeching tires and a crash. Slim and Moe run towards the front door as Bill bursts in.

He begins pounding his head on the table.

Bill looks up from table.

He begins to chuckle to himself. Moe and Bill stare. Slim suddenly stops and returns to normal.

Doorbell rings. Moe answers the front door. Enter Eva Orkanscharkerfickenkraut, the German temptress.

Calmer:

He points at Eva.

Slim holds up his Funk and Wagnall dictionary.

Eva walks up to Moe, looking him over.

Eva moves closer. Moe says, reluctantly:

Moe begins to move away.

She begins to move towards Moe. He runs offstage with Eva in pursuit. After both have left, Bill suddenly grabs Slim by both shoulders and shakes him.

Slim pries Bill’s hands off of his shoulders.

Slim hands the dictionary to Bill.

Bill hurriedly rips through the pages. He turns the book around and reads the title.

He tosses book over his shoulder.

He realized what Slim has implied and yells:

Bill runs out the door. He yells “Taxi!” from offstage. Tires screech. Moe runs in adjusting his belt with Eva close behind. His tie is still not tied.

He chuckles and stops when Eva and Slim give him an icy stare.

Exit Moe and Eva. Slim sits down on the sofa. The phone rings and he picks it up.

Blackout.

End of Scene 1.

Scene 2

Scene opens in a funeral home. There is a coffin off to one side. Rachel and Katherine chat on the other side of the stage.

Bill rushes in from stage right, through the front door, and sees the sign in book. He rushes over to it, looks at it, then walks over to the ladies. He addresses Katherine.

Bill goes back to the book, signs it, then reads it. He drops the pen.

Rachel looks.

Bill falls on his knees, looking reverently towards the ceiling.

He then stands up and says brightly.

Bill walks towards the women.

Reverently:

Changing the subject:

She walks away, back to Katherine.

Mel enters through the front door. Mel O'Malley comes very close to being the stereotypical Irishman. He is boorish, loud, and comes in without much obvious respect for the dead, which happens to be his wife.

He continues.

Everyone stops and looks at Bill, who retreats into the corner. Mel looks around the room.

She notices Bill and Rachel’s confused reactions.

Everyone inhales sharply.

Thinking:

He sighs.

They all walk to the closed coffin, Mel in the lead.

Bill nervously raises his hand, interrupting Mel.

Mel takes out a piece of paper and clears his throat noisily.

He is greeted with silence. The two women look at each other incredulously.

Bill once again interrupts with his hand.

There is a sharp intake of breath from all.

Bill runs off stage left.

Mel shoots Katherine an evil look.

Calmly:

As Mel continues, Bill sneaks back onstage and behind the coffin on his knees, unnoticed by the others. He attempts to inch open the coffin.

Mel slams the coffin lid, preventing Bill from opening it.

When Mel removes his hand, Bill resumes inching open the coffin lid.

Mel again raps the coffin lid stops Bill from opening the lid.

Bill has managed to get the coffin open enough so he can reach his hand in. As Mel says Edna’s name, he again raps his knuckles against the coffin, pinning Bill’s hand. Bill jumps up with a yell holding his hurt hand. Everyone looks at him, there is a pause.

Bill falls upon the coffin pretending to cry.

Mel continues with his eulogy.

Pause.

Mel groans.

With help from Bill, Mel opens up the coffin lid. They all gather around and are visibly disturbed by what they see.

In normal tone:

Mel whispers something in Bill’s ear and Bill screams, then faints dead away.

Blackout.

End Scene 2.

Scene 3

The scene is back at Moe’s house. Slim is sitting on the couch, finishing reading his Funk & Wagnall dictionary.

Putting the book down, he sniffles.

Slim turns around and picks up a large piece of paper which boldly proclaims, “CALL CHEZ CHEZ”. Slim stares at it for a moment, then puts it down and shouts:

There is no response. Slim sighs in satisfaction, then says:

The doorbell rings once, then numerous times.

He slowly gets up to open the door, letting Sarah Hayes in the house. She obviously knows Slim, and is not surprised when he, rather than saying anything to her, goes back to the couch.

Putting his hand on Sarah’s shoulder.

With a devilish smile:

Turning to face Slim, almost as if she were staring him down.

Sarah drops the act and confronts Slim with total seriousness.

In response to this, Slim stares at Sarah, cracks a smile, then burst into gleefully evil laughter.

She stops and looks at Slim.

She picks up the dictionary.

She flips to the back page of the dictionary.

Slim picks up the newspaper with one hand and the dictionary with the other.

He plays with the paper and dictionary as if they were dolls and begins speaking in a childish falsetto voice for both objects.

He begins hitting the newspaper with the dictionary.

He stops and speaks normally.

Sarah begins to respond, but is interrupted by the phone ringing. Slim answers it.

He listens for a second then says, “Aha”! He turns to Sarah.

Sarah takes the phone and listens.

In a mechanical voice.

He talks in a feminine voice.

in a mechanical voice.

in a feminine voice.

Slim picks up the phone, but Sarah grabs it and puts it down.

Sarah reaches for her briefcase.

Sarah puts the briefcase down.

Sarah opens her briefcase.

With a flourish, she pulls out a small teddy bear from her briefcase and holds it high. Slim is shocked.

Blackout.

End of Scene 3.

Scene 4

The scene opens in Eva’s car. Eva is driving and Moe is in the passenger’s seat. The car should simply be the front and back seats of a normal car. A screen projector or moving lights could possibly be added to simulate driving. Eva should mime motions of driving the entire time.

Pause:

Eva mimes turning the wheel.

She glances seductively at Moe.

There is a pause.

Eva inches her hand over, attempting to feel Moe’s thigh. Moe turns and peers out the side window trying to look behind.

Moe accepts this. There is a meow from the back seat. Moe turns and looks into the back seat.

Moe reaches to the unseen cat.

There is a loud screech and a hiss, Moe jerks his hand out from behind the seat and holds it like it is injured.

Moe looks at his injured hand.

Moe pulls the first aid kit from under the seat and opens it.

He pulls out pepper spray.

Eva glances over.

Moe puts the pepper spray to the side and continues looking through the first aid kit. He pulls out a piece of lingerie and raises his eyebrows. Eva glances over.

He pulls out another piece.

He pulls out another.

He pulls out another.

He pulls out another.

He pulls out another.

Moe pulls out a pair of conservative cotton panties. Eva is embarrassed.

Moe searches a bit more.

Moe continues to search through first aid kit. He pulls out a bottle of wine. Eva glances over.

Moe pulls out two wine glasses. Eva makes another move.

Moe hastily complies and hands the glass over to Eva.

Eva takes a sip, drives a bit, then takes another sip and giggles. Moe nervously looks from the glass to Eva to the oncoming traffic. A truck horn blows past as Moe watches increasingly panicked.

Moe grabs the glass out of Eva’s hand and downs the contents.

Moe’s face slowly contorts into pain. He holds his temples and moans.

He looks at his hand.

Moe resumes searching in the first aid kit. He pulls out a chocolate bar and holds it up questionably.

Moe chuckles nervously. Aside:

To Eva.

Eva seductively pulls a handkerchief from her brassiere and hands it to Moe. He fumbles with it, trying to quell the bleeding.

Eva grabs Moe’s hand with the handkerchief and holds tightly.

Sadly remembering the past:

Moe manages to get out of Eva’s grip.

Eva pauses and stares into space.

She sighs.

Eva turns to him seductively.

Eva puts her arm around Moe.

Moe looks extremely uncomfortable.

Eva grabs the wheel with one hand, but pulls Moe closer with the other.

Moe tries to take his coat off but Eva’s arm is in the way. After making this obvious, Eva reluctantly removes her arm. Moe takes off his coat and throws it into the back seat. There is a loud screech of a cat.

She lets go of the wheel and turns around to help her cat. Horns start blowing and cars screech on their brakes. Moe, terrified, leans over and grabs the wheel. Eva attempts to sit down and sits on Moe. She jumps back up as Moe gets out of the way and she sits back down and resumes driving, breathlessly. The horns and screeching tires stop.

Moe looks at Eva, still recovering from the near fatal experience.

Moe has moved close to his side of the car.

Moe is now crammed against his door and looks extremely nervous.

Eva lets go of the wheel and lunges at Moe who tries to cram himself farther away from Eva. Car horns begin blaring and tires screeching. The car door suddenly opens and Moe tumbles out. He screams which fades away as the lights go down.

Blackout.

End of Scene 4.

Scene 5

The scene reopens in the funeral home. Bill is passed out, slumped against the coffin, as Rachel and Katherine sit by him. Mel is standing upstage, and appears pensive. The coffin is now closed. Rachel is lightly slapping Bill’s face, trying to revive him.

She slaps his cheek again. She sighs, and without turning to her, Mel says:

Katherine scowls at him, as Bill returns to consciousness.

Rachel looks at her hand.

Rachel looks indignant.

Bill gets up, and looks Mel over.

Mel slowly and deliberately turns to face Bill.

He whirls around to face the coffin.

He recalls the opening of the coffin.

Eva rushes in.

Eva suddenly looks interested in Mel.

Mel is visibly uncomfortable.

Bill, seeing Mel struggling, jumps in.

Eva is staring at Mel and doesn’t appear to have heard Bill. She turns to Bill.

Rachel bursts into tears, punctuated by loud sobs.

Rachel, who’s crying had started to subside, erupts into another crying fit.

Rachel erupts into another crying fit and runs out the front door.

Eva walks up to Mel.

Mel looks uncomfortable.

In normal voice:

Eva points to a chair.

Mel promptly obeys and Eva walks behind him and begins massaging his shoulders.

Mel turns and looks quizzically at Eva, she ignores him.

To herself.

Mel jumps up, visibly disturbed.

Rachel enters from stage right, not crying. Eva turns to her.

There is an uncomfortable pause.

Rachel erupts into another crying fit and is consoled by Katherine who shoots Bill an evil look. Bill looks embarrassed.

Addressing the group:

Eva pulls the protesting Mel offstage. Katherine continues comforting a sniffling Rachel. Bill watches Mel and Eva leave, looks over at the two women, then looks at the coffin. He walks over to the coffin and, keeping an eye on the women, slowly inches the coffin across stage. Bill then attempts to open the lid of the coffin but as it opens it emits a loud screech. Bill quickly closes the lid and looks over to the women who haven’t noticed. He visibly thinks and gets an idea. He walks over to the women.

Rachel pulls out a screwdriver and hands it to Bill who looks at it puzzled, then at Rachel.

Rachel begins sniffling to both Bill and Katherine.

Rachel looks up at Bill, still believing that he might not be quoting a Rolling Stones song.

Bill notices Rachel’s puzzlement and explains.

Rachel, now convinced that Bill is completely insane, turns her back to him and goes to Katherine for sympathy. Bill sighs, waits for both women to be preoccupied then sneaks back over to the coffin. He then begins to unscrew the coffin hinges, keeping an eye on the preoccupied women. When finished, he slides the coffin lid off.

Bill hastily tries to fix the coffin as Mel and Eva enter. They stop and stare. Attracted by the commotion, Rachel and Katherine also turn and stare. All of this is unbeknownst to Bill who flings the screwdriver and moves the coffin back to its original position. Only afterwards does he realize he’s being watched. He spins around and is visibly trying to find an excuse. Bill knocks on the coffin.

Mel shakes his head.

Bill turns to Rachel accusingly. Rachel assumes an innocent expression. Mel sighs.

Mel grumbles an incoherent response.

They comply.

Beat.

Short pause:

The tension dies down, and silence returns.

Everyone looks at Eva incredulously.

There is another silence.

Pause:

There is another pause. Rachel looks around expectantly, then exclaims herself:

Rachel begins to cry. The circle falls apart.

Rachel blows her nose loudly.

Rachel starts crying again.

He gets an idea.

He slides the lid off the coffin and continues in a dramatic fashion.

He continues looking directly at Mel and the others, but feels around the coffin for Edna’s ring, the frustration and creepiness of this coming out in his impassioned speech. Everyone else stares, dumbfounded.

Bill then pulls out Edna’s hand and pulls the ring off. He hastily corrects himself.

Bill goes to each person and shakes their hands, taking their rings as he does.

Bill looks at the five rings from the four people and one corpse. As he searches for Edna’s, he throws all the rings but one onto the floor. Everyone stares at this strange display. As Bill finds the ring he needs, he runs out the front door, yelling “Taxi”. Everybody looks at Rachel.

Blackout.

End of scene 5.

Scene 6

The scene opens in the living room. Sarah is holding “Mr. Bobbins” in the air as Slim looks on in horror.

Slim begins breathing erratically.

He stops and takes a breath.

Slim makes a violent motion with his neck, then returns to the same rigid Slim as before.

Slim points to Mr. Bobbins.

Pause.

Pause.

This emits a chuckle from both of them which rises into full blown laughter.

The laughter quickly diminishes.

Slim shrugs.

He pauses.

To Sarah.

He angrily grabs a newspaper and begins writing on the corner of one of the pages. He rips it out.

Sarah sighs, crumples up the piece of paper and throws it back to Slim.

Sarah, seeing that she has lost the battle, begins packing up her briefcase.

Sarah picks up “Mr. Bobbins”.

Sarah smiles evilly.

Sarah turns to face Slim.

Pause.

Slim takes a step towards Sarah and she stands, ready to rip the bear’s head off.

He takes a step towards Sarah, then stops.

Slim looks indecisive for a moment, then sits down, admitting defeat.

Slim buries his face in his hands. Sarah, dissatisfied with his reaction, rips the head off “Mr. Bobbins” anyway. Slim slowly looks up and upon seeing the decapitated bear, inhales sharply. He looks at Sarah and struggles to say something to her. Calmly.

Slim walks out the front door and screams.

Crying:

Slim continues screaming. Sarah calmly sits down in Slim’s seat, whistling to herself. Slim comes back in, now calm.

Sarah scoffs.

She stands up.

Slim is on the verge of tears.

She begins poking Slim in the chest, but he pushes her away.

He steps towards Sarah. Loudly, with all the venom he can muster.

They suddenly embrace and kiss passionately, falling back onto the couch.

Blackout.

End of Scene 6.

END OF ACT I.

Act II

Scene 1

The scene opens with Moe lying unconscious on a bed. The lights are soft, but colorful to suggest a dream-like setting. Moe begins to stir and suddenly snaps his head up, scanning the surroundings.

He sits up slowly.

Heavy footsteps approach from stage left. Moe looks on nervously, and is shocked as Eva enters, dressed only in a button down shirt.

As he gets out of bed, it can be seen that Moe does not have any pants on. Moe stares at his boxers and screams. Eva reaches him, puts her arms around him, and falls down with him behind the bed. Moe continues screaming as the lights fade out, and the normal lights come up. Moe wakes up, and looks up from behind the bed as footsteps approach again. Moe gets up, wearing pants now, expecting a recurrence of his dream. Del Lacuso, a farmer with a heavy Brooklyn accent, runs in from stage left and, seeing that Moe is all right, gives him a puzzled stare.

Moe checks his pants and zips his fly shut. Del stares at Moe, puzzled.

Moe chuckles nervously, but, seeing that Del is serious, He stops.

Moe shakes his head.

Moe scratches his back, drawing notice to the large iron burn on his shirt. Del notices it and gives Moe a puzzled stare. Moe turns around.

Moe extends his hand and Del shakes it.

Moe begins whistling “The Farmer in the Dell”.

Moe pauses.

Moe breaks down, crying.

Moe turns to Del for a response, but he has fallen asleep. With a grunt, he awakes.

Moe sighs.

Moe appears puzzled.

Moe begins whistling the “Green Acres” theme song. Del gives Moe an annoyed stare.

Moe softens.

He scoffs.

Del checks his watch.

They exit stage right.

Blackout.

End of Scene 1.

Scene 2

Scene opens in Moe’s living room. Slim and Sarah are curled up on the couch kissing. Bill enters from the front door hurriedly and rushes across the stage oblivious of them.

Bill exits through the kitchen and, realizing Slim is on the couch with a woman, reenters slowly.

Extending a hand:

Seriously: