"Never Trust A Crying Dame" Meggan Horowitz Adapted for radio by Mike Mariano NARRATOR: Tonight, another episode of: (MUSIC STING) NARRATOR: Tales of Crime! (MUSIC STING) NARRATOR: Tonight's Episode: Never Trust a Crying Dame! (RITZY 40s MUSIC PLAYS) NARRATOR: (echoed) I'll never forget my first big break. I was on the crime beat, as a cub reporter for a small town rag. My assignment started out real small time, working a penny-ante dive called Tahoe's Bar and Grill to get an angle on a ring of graffiti artists. Reports had it that Tahoe's was their hangout of choice ever since this doll Maxine opened her act there. I'd gone into the club one balmy summer night to see this doll and watch the audience for telltale signs of permanent marker ink or spray paint...but that was another story. I saw Maxine, all right, and just like the hoods I was writing about, I was hooked. She was a real looker; it was love at first sight. I couldn't stay away despite Tahoe's watered down booze and soggy pretzel sticks. Thanks to Maxine's throaty voice, long legs, and platinum blonde beauty, I was in the right place at the right time- here's how it all went down... SCENE: An Alley. City noises in the background. (A DOOR SWINGS OPEN.) (HIGH HEELS WALK AWAY RAPIDLY, FOLLOWED BY A MAN.) FREDERICK: Aww, come on, baby! Baby, give me another chance; I just... Honey! (A CAR STARTS AND SPEEDS AWAY.) FREDERICK: Aww, geez... (HE BEGINS WALKING BACK TO THE DOOR. ANOTHER CAR PULLS UP.) FREDERICK: Honey? (A PAIR OF HIGH HEELS STEPS OUT OF THE CAR, RUNS TO FREDERICK, AND BASHES HIM ON THE HEAD.) FREDERICK: Ahh! (THE HIGH HEELS RUN BACK AND THE CAR SPEEDS AWAY.) (MUSIC STING.) SCENE: Murray and Bob's office. A clock ticks. (BOB COUGHS AND TURNS A NEWSPAPER. MURRAY SIGHS.) (THE PHONE RINGS. MURRAY ANSWERS.) MURRAY: (with Yiddish accent) Rosen and Bob Detective Agency! Uh huh... No thanks, we like our long distance just fine. (MURRAY HANGS UP.) MURRAY: Well Bob, it's another day on the job and you wonder why we don't get any work? What idiot would come to a detective agency named Rosen and BOB?! BOB: I like the name. It's short, sweet, and says it all. MURRAY: It sounds like the name of a place that sells discount tires. What would be so bad about calling it "Rosen and Winkelman"? BOB: Easy. The guy who put the lettering on our door wanted 30 dollars more just to write Winkelman instead of Bob. So Rosen and Bob it is. MURRAY: Oy geyvalt. BOB: But with the way business is going, maybe we should sell tires... (A KNOCK ON THE DOOR: "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT") (A PAUSE) BOB: Two bits! MURRAY: You idiot! Someone is at the door! BOB: I know that. Answer it! MURRAY: Oy vey... (MURRAY OPENS THE DOOR. SEXY MUSIC PLAYS. MAXINE WALKS IN, SOBBING.) NARRATOR: I trailed Maxine to this small time PI team's office. They called themselves Rosen and Bob. They were quite a duo. Murray Rosen had started out as a gourmet chef for a now-defunct Kosher restaurant on the west side of town called the Kugel Kitchen. One of his big catering jobs ended up being at Von Steuben's Beer Garten in North Bergen, where a convention of Private Eyes was taking place. Murray took one look at the crime-fighting crowd, and he knew he'd found his calling in life. Bob Winkelman, a regular at Von Steuben's, felt quite the same way, and pretty soon the two had hit it off and opened their own PI Agency as soon as the ink was dry on their business cards. Maxine had brought them their first big case, too... MURRAY: There there, dear, don't cry. We are Rosen and... Bob. MAXINE: My name is Maxine. MURRAY: What can we do for you? MAXINE: I've just lost the only man I've ever loved. Please, I need your help... BOB: Was it murder? MAXINE: Oh, it's horrible, but I'm all but sure that it was! MURRAY: Don't upset the client, Bob... BOB: Tell us what happened. MAXINE: Well, I met Frederick- BOB: Frederick? MAXINE: Yes; he's my- Frederick was the man who was killed... I met him in my apartment Saturday night. At one a.m., he claimed he was headed down to Tahoe's Bar and Grill to meet a friend. Tahoe's is in a rough neighborhood, but since Freddy owns the place, I figured he'd be safe. MURRAY: He owns Tahoe's? MAXINE: Yes. BOB: Wait, is he Frederick Masternardi, the Hollywood Producer? The guy who's been buying bars and nightclubs up and down the East Coast? MURRAY: How do you know these things?! MAXINE: That's Frederick. In any case, at eight this morning I rode to Tahoe's to make sure he was alright, but when I arrived, the bartender, Tom, told me he found Freddy outside in the dumpsters - dead. I didn't know what to do, but Tom said we should get an investigation started right away. And this was the first place I found. MURRAY: That's a sad, sad shame, dear, what happened. But don't you break a nail, dear. Rosen and Bob are on the case - aren't we? BOB: Yeah, whatever. Let's head down to Tahoe's... (MUSIC STING) SCENE: Tahoe's Bar. The bar is slow right now, a few glasses clink and a few murmurs are heard. (THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN.) MURRAY: Well, here's Tahoe's. And there's the bartender. BOB: Let me handle this, Murray. MURRAY: It's all yours... TOM: ...So the termite says, "Where is the Bar Tender?" HA! HA HA! BOB: Stop kidding around. We're here on business, Tom. MURRAY: Yes. We heard that you found your boss Frederick dead outside this morning. Want to tell us about it? TOM: Hey now, I'm not talking to just anyone. There's no talking to Tom the Tender unless I have some assurance you guys are on the level. MURRAY: You want to see some detective credentials? TOM: Either that or buy a drink. BOB: Alright, give me a scotch on the rocks and my partner a gin and tonic. Oh, and buy the singer a Shirley Temple, from me. MURRAY: Can't you ever get serious? We are here on business; you can't be buying girls drinks. Here's my ID - Bob, show him yours. BOB: I'd rather have the drink. (DRINKS SLIDE ACROSS THE BAR.) TOM: Here you go... MURRAY: (sighs) (MURRAY AND BOB RAISE THEIR GLASSES AND TOAST) MURRAY: La Chaim. So Tom, you want to tell us what you saw this morning? TOM: Just Frederick Masternardi, deader than when I last saw him. I saw a nasty bump on the head, but not much else that looked unusual. BOB: When did you last see him? TOM: Alive? BOB: At least vertical. TOM: Well, I left last night around one in the morning, and he was vertical then. Well, kinda. When I left, Freddy was just getting there, and Natalie, one of our singers, was the only one left in the bar, and she and Freddy, they're kinda... MURRAY: Freddy and Natalie? I thought he and Maxine-? TOM: Yes, well... Frederick Masternardi likes quantity. (MURRAY SLAMS HIS GLASS DOWN) MURRAY: Well, Natalie was here last night... I'm going to go talk to her before she goes on. BOB: Murray Rosen, on the prowl. MURRAY: You fool; she's a suspect! Everyone is a suspect. (MURRAY WALKS) BOB: Wish you luck... SCENE: Backstage at Tahoe's. Muffled crowd noises. NATALIE: Who's there? MURRAY: Hey; the name's Murray Rosen. I'm a detective. NATALIE: Oh. MURRAY: I hate to rattle you darling, but it seems there was a murder last night. My partner Bob and I are investigating. NATALIE: I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about. MURRAY: Nice try. Listen, you've got a great voice and a beautiful look, but you were the last one to see Freddy alive, and that makes you a prime suspect. We know you were still in the bar at 1:15, the approximate time of the murder. NATALIE: (laughs) I don't know what gave you this idea, but just because I left at 1:15, my usual time, doesn't mean I killed Freddyboy. (MUSIC STARTS FROM THE AUDIENCE) NATALIE: That's my cue. If you'll pardon me, I have a show to do. Step aside buddy. Don't get in the way of Natalie - lounge performer extraordinaire. (THE CURTAIN RISES, MUSIC UP. THE AUDIENCE APPLAUSES AND THE ACT BEGINS.) (MUSIC STING) SCENE: Murray and Bob's office. Lindy, the secretary, is there, squirting Windex. (DOOR OPENS. MURRAY AND BOB WALK IN.) LINDY: Hi guys! BOB: Hey Lindy... MURRAY: (aside) She spilled the coffee again... BOB: ...any calls? LINDY: There was a call from someone named Maxine, about some mysterious bar and grill murder. She said someone named Frederick was found dead...? BOB: That's right, it was the famed Hollywood Producer - Frederick Masternardi. LINDY: I know it was that creep, Frederick of Hollywood. He deserved it. MURRAY: Why'd you say that? (LINDY RETURNS TO SPRAYING.) LINDY: Well, everybody hates Fred, don't they? MURRAY: Not enough to kill. Lindy, don't hold back. This is a murder case. You know the serious nature of a murder case. LINDY: (Opening up) Well, I was in high school with Freddy. We went steady for a few years. After he left for college, I never heard from him again. He was supposed to keep in touch with me. Well, after he became famous, I saw him again; in People magazine with a different girl on his arm each week. Then I see him back in town, owning a few bars - along with a few showgirls. You could imagine how angry that got me. What's his latest fling; that showgirl Natalie? If only all his old girlfriends were around to talk to; we could have all plotted our revenge together. BOB: Revenge? Where were you at 1:15 on Saturday? LINDY: But... surely you don't suspect me. I loved him too much to kill him. Talk to Natalie. MURRAY: You still haven't answered our question - where were you? LINDY: Here. After you guys left, I stayed to watch T.V. and finish up a good Harlequin. Look, Freddy was a man of many women. Every one of them had a motive. You've known me too long to suspect me of murder. Why don't you talk to the real back stabber - Natalie? MURRAY: We've already spoken to the touchy gal. She doesn't seem to be the guilty party, but then, neither do you. LINDY: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. This letter came for you today. MURRAY: (sniffs) It smells like someone dropped it in a vat of perfume. Open it up and read it to me. LINDY: Well I don't know; it says "Top Secret". MURRAY: I'm your employer, not the chick who sent this letter. Now like I said, open it up and read it to me. (LINDY RIPS OPEN THE ENVELOPE.) LINDY: Ahem. To the detectives at Rosen and Bob's: I have reason to believe that Freddyboy was struck several times by a woman pulling into the bar on Saturday night. The young lady used a pocketbook to send Freddy to his untimely death. MURRAY: Lindy, do you think you can identify this perfume? Maybe we could figure out who wears it at the bar. LINDY: Smells like Chanel #5. BOB: Listen, Murray, I don't think that a perfumed letter is a whole lot to go on. I mean, lots of women wear Chanel. My aunt has a bottle of #5 in her medicine cabinet at home. It doesn't mean she's an eyewitness. MURRAY: Anything we can get our hands on is evidence in this case. We have to take any leads we can get. (A FEW BANGS; WATER RUNS.) BOB: Say, do you hear water running? LINDY: I meant to tell you. The plumber just stopped by. She's working in the bathroom on that leaky faucet. BOB: Oh. Did she find a replacement for that section of pipe I showed her? LINDY: Yeah. She's just finishing up now. BOB: I'll write her a check. What's her name? LINDY: Bianca Masternardi. BOB: Masternardi, huh? Sounds to me like we have ourselves a suspect. (MUSIC STING) SCENE: The Bathroom. Bianca tightens squeaky pipes. MURRAY: If you could keep it down, that would be great. We need to concentrate on the Masternardi murder investigation. (SQUEAKING STOPS) BIANCA: Frederick Masternardi? BOB: You know him? BIANCA: He's my cousin. MURRAY: Was your cousin. Fred was found dead outside his bar this morning. Hit with a pocketbook. BIANCA: (sighs) I can't say that's a big surprise. The man was not exactly everybody's love affair. Sure, he had his girlfriends, but so many people would have loved to see him dead. Take Stella. Stella Chartreuse. She had it all. Glamour, money, fake tears - not to mention a great stage name. She was more than a pretty face; she was a budding star. She took up with Frederick and he promised to give her her big break in Hollywood. Not as an actress; as a makeup artist. She was mortified. Stella's big chance at stardom, ruined by a man with such weight in Hollywood. She started spending all her time at some night spot, never to show her tear-stained face in Hollywood again. Now there's a chick who would want to murder the man. MURRAY: You sure you weren't jealous of such a famous cousin? I mean, you are just a plumber. (SQUEAKING AGAIN) BIANCA: Never make fun of someone who's playing with your drains, bud. I'm a darn good plumber. Besides, we Masternardis do not work well together. Now... (BIANCA FLUSHES THE TOILET.) BIANCA: Where's my check? (MUSIC STING) SCENE: Tahoe's Bar. TOM: (to himself) "Where is the bar tender...?" That never gets old... HA HA! (A DOOR SWINGS OPEN. CRIES OF "STELLA!" ARE HEARD.) STELLA: Hey boys, it's the one and only Stella Chartreuse. MAXINE: (clears her throat) STELLA: Well, if it isn't my favorite person: Maxine, darling; how have you been? MAXINE: Listen Stella. I know about you and Tom. Just because you didn't like Fred, it doesn't mean you had to make up that awful story about embezzlement. STELLA: That's cute. Pretending you had no idea about the thousands of dollars stolen from Mr. Tahoe. How do you think Frederick of Hollywood managed to buy the bar so cheaply? MAXINE: You have no proof. STELLA: Frederick was paying; that's proof enough. MAXINE: So when Fred stopped paying last night, you killed him; is that it? STELLA: Tom and I are no murderers, Maxine. In fact, I think you have the best motive in this room. Frederick sure took a shine to you when you first showed up, but then all of a sudden he found comfort in the arms of Natalie. Your precious Freddy was now sharing his love. What does a woman do when she's lost her one and only? I think it was pretty clever. You kill him in frustration, and bring out the secret of our blackmail. (THE SOUND QUALITY CHANGES TO THAT OF A CASSETTE TAPE; HISS, ETC.) MAXINE: Why should I care if Freddy was in love with Natalie? She could never amount to being his true love. STELLA: All I can say is, let your detectives do the snooping. SCENE: Murray and Bob's Office (BOB CLICKS THE TAPE OFF.) BOB: Client or no client, we can't ignore this tape. Maxine had a terrific motive and has no alibi. As far as we know, she was in her apartment alone at the time of the murder. MURRAY: How do you know that this tape isn't just a set up? Any one of the suspects could have sent it to incriminate Maxine or Stella and the guys. (POSSIBLY, SOUND EFFECTS PUNCTUATE BOB'S STORY.) BOB: Picture this. Maxine calls Freddy and disguises her voice as Natalie. Aware of their affair, she asks him to meet Natalie at the grill. Then, she calls up as Maxine and invites him to her apartment. Maxine begs him to stay, knowing full well that he is going to want to randez vous with Natalie at Tahoe's even more if he thinks it's against Maxine's will. Frederick leaves and Maxine jumps in the car to follow him. When Fred gets to Tahoe's, Maxine bounds out of her car and hits him over the head with her pocket book. She speeds off. A day later, she drops off a letter in disguise knowing that with the perfume soaked letter, we will suspect that it is she who is dropping us a lead. Unfortunately, it's the oldest trick in the book. MURRAY: What book have you been reading? First of all, Maxine would have sprayed the letter with the scent that she wears - not Chanel. Second, she doesn't call Freddy "Freddyboy" like it says in the letter, but I know who does - Natalie. Third, there are at least six people with motives and none of them have solid alibis. We don't know for certain that the killer was a female. At 1:15, it is too dark to make out the figures of ordinary people. As far as I'm concerned, everyone's a suspect. Where were you on the night of the murder? Where was I? BOB: I hate to say this, Murray, but I think you've fallen for Maxine. Fallen hard. MURRAY: You know me, Bob. I've always had a soft spot for a tall blonde. BOB: But Murray, my motto always is: never trust a crying dame. She's our prime suspect. MURRAY: And so is Natalie. BOB: Well, I'm going down to the grill, with or without you, Murray. MURRAY: Oy... (MUSIC STING) SCENE: Tahoe's Bar. MURRAY: Hello, Tom... TOM: Hey, I got a new one for you: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Then a termite walks in and says, "Where is-" BOB, MURRAY, TOM: "The bar tender...?" TOM: HA! HA HA! BOB: ...Yeah. I won't be having a drink tonight, Tom, but I would like to know if Maxine is here. TOM: Yeah, she's in the dressing room with Stella, preparing for her act. BOB: I'll go talk to her... MURRAY: I'm going to talk to Natalie again. She's still on my list of suspects. BOB: Be my guest. (MURRAY WALKS.) MURRAY: Ahem. NATALIE: Oh, it's you again. MURRAY: (sniffs) That's a lovely perfume you're wearing. Could it be - Chanel #5? NATALIE: Well, actually it is. Why do you- MURRAY: I'm asking for Freddyboy! NATALIE: Oh, I get it. You're talking about the note. And that tape. MURRAY: What note? NATALIE: Very funny. I don't care if you know that I was the "mysterious messenger." So I sent the note - what difference does that make? MURRAY: Tell me, why did you say that a female murdered Frederick with a pocketbook if you were a suspect and very capable of fitting that description? NATALIE: Because that's what I saw. I was pulling out of the parking lot when Freddy was killed, and I saw someone lash out at him. I only caught a quick glance, and I didn't want to go back because I was afraid I might get killed, too. Then this morning, when you claimed I was a prime suspect, I knew I had to come up with something. So I told you what I saw in the letter, and then recorded Maxine and Stella's little tiff at the bar. If it was clear that a woman murdered Freddy, then you might see that Stella and Maxine had excellent motives and no alibis. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go change. MURRAY: Not so fast. You are a suspect, letter or no letter. Right now, we need you to give us as much information as you can. Please, come with me. SCENE: Backstage at Tahoe's. (CRIES OF "STELLA".) STELLA: (peeking out of curtain) Hey boys... BOB: Ah, here's the woman I want to see... STELLA: (false modesty) Oh, well... BOB: Maxine! MAXINE: Mr. Winkelman? What can I help you with? BOB: Well Maxine, we have strong reason to believe that you committed the heinous murder of Frederick Masternardi. We have an eyewitness that saw a woman kill him with a pocketbook, and you had motive, means, and opportunity. MAXINE: (In a man's voice:) How insulting. I never even carry a pocketbook! MURRAY: Uh, are you coming down with a cold, Maxine? MAXINE: My name is Max, not Maxine. I'm a man. (VELCRO RIP OF WIG.) MURRAY: OH MY GOD!!! (squeals) (MURRAY THUMPS TO THE FLOOR) MAX: (sighs) I knew I should have revealed myself earlier. I'm an out of work actor, and I needed a little extra money, so I began moonlighting as a lounge singer. Fred liked what he saw, so he hired me. He would never have hired me if he knew the truth, but luckily, he never got that close... NATALIE: So you mean to tell me that you were never going out with my Freddyboy? MAX: Of course not. This is just for the money. Besides, blondes have more fun. MURRAY: (Getting up, frazzled.) Wait; you said Fred had been to your apartment... MAX: Well, yeah. Fred's been there, but with me as a man. You see, Frederick was my identical twin brother. STELLA: Your brother made a pass at you? MAX: Hey, it was all for the money! MURRAY: (sighs) Well Bob, it looks to me like Maxine - er, Max - has no motive anymore. BOB: Looks like you're right. The only problem is, everyone else has a motive. STELLA: You keep saying everyone has a motive, but why would I want to kill a man providing me with enough blackmail money to retire in luxury? BOB: You've got a point. Looks like you and Tom are off the hook. TOM: That's a relief. Now, why don't we celebrate with a little joke? Last night, a termite walks into the bar... MURRAY: Oh, shut up! (MURRAY PUNCHES TOM; HE FALLS. COMMOTION.) NATALIE: Hey, what's this? It fell out of your pocket, Tom. TOM: Oh, I forgot. I found that next to the body. It's an ID card for Bob Winkelman. BOB: Oh, I must have dropped it out there while I was checking out the crime scene. MURRAY: Bob, we never checked out the crime scene. MAX: You know, in this picture you look kind of familiar... Oh my God. Roberta? MURRAY: Roberta? MAX: Your partner looks exactly like my girlfriend Roberta Lincoln. All except for the wig... MURRAY: Oh... Bob, can you believe this? BOB: Well... MURRAY: Don't be a schlemiel, Max. Don't you think I'd know if my own partner was a woman? MAX: Don't you think I'd know if my girlfriend was a man? MURRAY: Bob, come here. Let me rip off your quote-unquote "wig". BOB: No wait- (VELCRO RIP. PAUSE.) MURRAY: OH MY GOD! (MURRAY FAINTS.) ROBERTA: (In a woman's voice.) Alright, I confess! I'm a cross dresser, and I killed Frederick Masternardi. MAX: Why? ROBERTA: Because I thought he was you. I was going to surprise you and meet you at the bar last night when I saw Freddy and Natalie together inside. I had no idea who Frederick was; I thought it was you, cheating on me. When Natalie left, I came out of my car in a fit of rage and hit Max over the head - only it wasn't Max. When Fred didn't get up, I realized that I still had the broken pipe from the office sink in my purse. I never meant to kill anyone, but that piece of pipe was just too much for Fred to take. I'm so sorry. I should have trusted you, Max... MAX: Roberta... MURRAY: Mazel Tov, Roberta. I always knew you were a schlemiel, but I never guessed you were a murderer. Or worse yet - a woman. NATALIE: I always knew Frederick was a two-timer. STELLA: And a thief. MAX: Frederick couldn't help the way he was. He was a victim, a victim of love, as I think we all are. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a paycheck to earn. (In Maxine's voice:) The show must go on! (MAXINE STEPS THROUGH THE CURTAINS TO BEGIN HER ACT TO WILD APPLAUSE.) (RITZY FORTIES MUSIC RETURNS) NARRATOR: So you can imagine my surprise when I found out that the gal who set my heart in motion wasn't a gal at all. I can't complain, though. She was good to me. Without Maxine - or Max, rather - I'd still be looking for the graffiti boys today. Incidentally, I found them a little further down the road at Tulsa's Bar and Grill. They had done a number on the place, but when I told them about a little place called Tahoe's, the vandalism problem disappeared. It seems the vandals are hooked on Maxine now, and don't have the time for marking up billboards anymore. They like a girl with secrets. And Maxine has got plenty of those... (MUSIC STING) NARRATOR: That's it for this week's Tale of Crime. Tune in next week for another exciting case when Murray Rosen takes on a case that forces him to prevent: (MUSIC STING) NARRATOR: "The Paulie Harlin Suicide"! (MUSIC FLOURISH AND OUT.) THE END.