Mike and Dean The Marley Show (The show starts in the living room. As SLIM enters, wild, canned applause plays. He sits down rigidly, as MOE MARLEY calls from offstage.) MOE: Hey, Slim? Have you seen my tie? (SLIM reaches down under the couch cushion, finds a black tie, and holds it up.) SLIM: No. (He throws the tie over his shoulder. MOE walks in to more wild applause.) MOE: Well, that’s just great. This is a special ceremony and I’m missing my only black tie! (SLIM pulls out a yellow tie and a large black marker.) SLIM: Color your heart out. (laughter) MOE: (annoyed nod) Slimmmmm! SLIM: It’s your funeral. MOE: No, it’s actually my Aunt Edna’s. SLIM: And you’re taking... Rachel with you? MOE: Yes. (He slaps on some aftershave.) The funeral parlor’s not the most romantic of places, but this is the only time this week that I’ll be free, and she insisted on coming. SLIM: Hmmm... (Not really interested, then the doorbell rings) MOE: (answering door) Rachel! RACHEL: Moe! (they hug) I’ve missed you these past few days. MOE: Me, too. SLIM: I haven’t. (MOE gives him a look.) MOE: Look, I have to find my tie, so why don’t you two get acquainted? (SLIM takes RACHEL in his arms.) I meant, "why don’t you two talk" (He exits as the two break away. We hear a clock ticking.) SLIM: So, you date Moe? RACHEL: Yes, I’ve been dating him for the past few months. SLIM: Oh. (The clock still ticks.) What do you do? RACHEL: Well, I can juggle plates while singing "It’s a Long Way to Tipperary"! (She laughs at her own joke, while SLIM remains silent. She stops.) SLIM: I was asking you what your job was. RACHEL: I know, I just... It was a joke. SLIM: Oh. RACHEL: (apprehensive) Anyway, I’ve just signed on with Chemical. SLIM: You’re a drug dealer? RACHEL: Oh, no. Chemical Bank. I’m a teller. SLIM: I hate banks. (The ticking clock now chimes.) RACHEL: (extremely frightened) You know, I really should be going... I’ve got... that, and it- SLIM: What about dead Aunt Edna? RACHEL: She won’t miss me. (She inches for the door, then breaks into a run, opening the door and slamming it as she exits. MOE walks in.) MOE: (seeing RACHEL is gone) Slimmm!! (giving his nod) Where’s Rachel? SLIM: She left. MOE: Without me? SLIM: You can’t trust those bank people. MOE: Were you talking about your loathing of banks again? SLIM: I hate banks, you know- MOE: (cutting him off) Yes, I know! (looks at the ground) There’s my tie! (sighs) I guess I’ll have to go to the funeral alone now. (He puts the tie around his neck and opens the door. Looking out he says, surprised:) Where’s my car?! SLIM: Oh, Bill had to take it out for a spin. (We then hear a screeching of tires and a crash, MOE runs out as we hear BILL screaming offstage. BILL and MOE run back in.) BILL: (screaming, angry with himself) I can’t believe it! How I could I be so stupid?! I’m so unreliable!! (He begins slapping his palm against his forehead as he says, repeatedly:) Duh! Duh! Duh! MOE: What happened? BILL: "What happened? What happened?!" You want to know what happened? That stupid cat from next door just happened to cross the road just as I was driving past! I crashed trying to let it cross to the other side! SLIM: That reminds me of a joke. (He starts giggling softly and suddenly stops.) You were saying? (He stops and stares at a rose bush.) BILL: What kind of people let their cats roam around roads just begging to be made road pizza? (The doorbell rings. MOE answers and lets feelings of hatred in the room. Her name is EVA ORKANSCHAKERFICKENKRAUT, or "EVA, The FLIRTING TYPHOON who had sex with all of Germany.) EVA: Where is the Dummkopt who tried to kill my cat? BILL: Kill your cat? Kill your cat?! I think you’ve got your story mixed up there, Mrs. Orkan scunkin’ sauerkraut!! EVA: Oranschakerfickenkraut, you dimvit !! MOE: Hey, about my car... BILL: (interrupting) I was driving the car like any other human being when your katze jumped out in front of it!! Now the car is totaled!! MOE: It’s totaled? BILL: There’s no chance, anyone could drive it now, unless you want to take the telephone pole in its side with you around town!! MOE: How could you total my car?! BILL: You’re blaming me. You’re blaming me?!! Blame her! ( pointing to EVA) Her and that that little rat of a feline that decided to hinder my locomotion. SLIM: You’re just a regular Funk and Wagnall. MOE: Watch your language. SLIM: (Holding the dictionary.) I was. (laughter) EVA: The damage done to my little Heidrich may not be as physical as the damage to the car, but the damage is plain on the inside. SLIM: Let’s rip her open and find out. MOE: That’s nice, but I still have no car to get to the funeral! EVA: (Walking up to MOE, seductively.) I could give you a ride... SLIM: I thought the Hearse was in the shop. (laughter) MOE: That’s a really nice offer, but I really couldn’t impose... EVA: (moving closer) I insist. BILL: (Tired of screaming, he signs and rips MOE away from EVA.) Look, I’m sorry about the car. I’m so stupid! Stupid! Stupid! (He resumes hitting himself in the head, then suddenly stops.) Anyway, I’ll try and find a mechanic who can fix the car. You just go to your funeral and have a great time. I’ll take care of the car. MOE: Well, if you guys insist... SLIM: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. MOE: I don’t think the corpse would do anything you wouldn’t do. (audience hoots and laughs wildly. SLIM turns to them and says.) SLIM: Shut up. (The laughter stops.) EVA: Are we ready to leave? MOE: I’m ready to depart for the departed! (He chuckles, but stops when SLIM and EVA give him an icy stare.) Let’s just go. (The scene ends.) (The next scene starts in EVA’s car. She is in the driver’s seat, she adjusts her mirror and says:) EVA: It’s always sad when a loved one passes away. MOE: That’s true. Uh, Mrs. Orkin Man? EVA: Call me Eva. MOE: Okay, Eva, I really appreciate you driving me like this. This funeral means a lot to me. EVA: What kind of a woman was your Aunt Edna? MOE: That’s just my problem. (sighs) I never saw her much, only on holidays or family gatherings. I don’t know much about her at all. She was very close to my mother, though, and I feel she wouldn’t want me to miss this. (Pauses, then changes the subject) It’s a little hot in this car. EVA: Why don’t you take off your coat? (MOE adjusts his seat belt and takes off his coat. He throws it into the back seat, when a cat screeches.) My Heidrich! (She turns and holds the cat, comforting it. Another car’s horn blows, so MOE grabs for the wheel.) LADY ON ROAD: Hey! Watch the road! (MOE is frantically trying to steer, as EVA sits back down on top of him. MOE lets out a yelp and EVA jumps back up. The cat screams, so EVA sits back down, which crushes MOE. MOE gets out of the way as EVA grabs the wheel.) EVA: I’m sorry about that Mr. Marley... Moe... MOE: Oh that’s all right. EVA: I admire your strength and vigor, Moe. (She jumps on top of MOE and begins kissing him passionately. He resists and opens the car door, flinging himself out. Car horns blare and people scream as EVA goes back to the wheel. The lights go down and the scene ends.) (The next scene opens back in the living room. SLIM is sitting on the couch, reading his Funk and Wagnall dictionary. BILL is sitting in front of the television set, playing a video game.) BILL: (throwing down controller) Dammit! Why does he always fall in the little pit?! This game is an absolute rip-off! I’m spending my hard earned money for this game, this overpriced, expensive, and unbelievably costly- SLIM: (looking up from the dictionary) They all mean the same thing, you know. (BILL gives SLIM a blank stare.) Overpriced, expensive, and- BILL: (interrupting angrily) Shut up! (laughter) Now I’ve got one more life and I don’t want you quoting from that detestable dictionary of yours! SLIM: (reading from the dictionary) "Detestable, adjective, arousing or meriting intense dislike." BILL: (trying to ignore him) Level 4... Lives, 1... Here is the jump... (He makes a hand gesture to indicate he is jumping, when the doorbell rings. BILL’s video game persona dies as he jumps around, screaming.) SLIM: Bill, get the door. BILL: (not hearing him) Stupid Mario! (He bangs the controller against the television.) Why, can’t, you, make, the, jump?! (Meanwhile, SLIM answers the door and let’s RACHEL in.) You are a stupid excuse for entertainment! And whoever rang that doorbell... (He whirls around and notices RACHEL. He stops.) Hello. (inches closer to SLIP, whispering) That’s Moe’s girlfriend, right? SLIM: Right. BILL: So we shouldn’t upset her, right? SLIM: (careless) I don’t know. BILL: (Loudly and deliberate.) Soooo, Rachel, what brings you to the Marley household? RACHEL: Well, I felt sort of guilty for running out like that . (looks warily at SLIM) Is Moe back from the funeral? BILL: Nahhhh, he and Eva aren’t back yet. RACHEL: Eva? BILL: Uhhhh... Eva’s... SLIM: Eva’s his new broad. BILL: Yeah, Eva’s his new... (realizing that this would upset RACHEL) No she’s not! Eva live next door, so she offered Moe a ride. The relationship doesn’t got any further than that. SLIM: You can go pretty far in a ’74 Pinto. RACHEL: (Checking the clock, which begins ticking again.) Moe should be back by now. I guess I’ll just wait here until he gets back. (They all sit down and stare at each other. BILL begins whistling, but stops when SLIM shoots him a look. RACHEL clears her throat.) SLIM: (annoyed) What? RACHEL: (uncomfortable, scratching the back of her neck) Oh, nothing... nothing... (long pause) BILL: So, anyone know how to play rummy? SLIM: No. BILL: Okay. (clock continues) RACHEL: (nervous) SLIM: So, Rachel... what do you do at this bank? RACHEL: Like I said, I’m a teller- SLIM: I know that! What’s the specifics? RACHEL: Well, I work with the customers... SLIM: That’s stupid. (after every task RACHEL lists, SLIM says "stupid".) RACHEL: (growing increasingly agitated and louder) ...cash the checks, do paperwork, introduce clients, handle loans, work the drive through, collect on bills, and anything else that needs to be done! SLIM: Sounds like a real crappy job. (RACHEL gets up, frightened, as the clock chimes as in the first scene. The lights go down.) (The next scene starts as SLIM and BILL are seated in the living room playing poker. As the lights go up, the doorbell rings. It is MOE.) BILL: So, Moe, how was the funeral? MOE: I never got there, seems that Mrs. Orphanneggle....Orkansharcker... Eva, had more in mind than just being neighborly. (laughter) SLIM: Tough luck. MOE: No, not really, I’m sure Aunt Edna won’t miss me. SLIM: (Not really listening anymore) Hmmm. MOE: You know, on my five mile walk back home, I had a chance to take stock of my life, to think about what I am, and where I’m going. SLIM: You said you were going home. (MOE is obviously annoyed with SLIM, but merely smiles, comes behind SLIM, and puts his hands on his shoulders.) MOE: And you know what I found out? (SLIM takes MOE’s hands off of him.) I found out that my life is a mess. (musically) A mess! No matter what I do, something will go wrong. And it’s usually something that happens with you or you! (points to SLIM and BILL) Today I found out that even my next door neighbor makes my life impossible. You know- you know who was the only person that didn’t accidentally ruin my life? SLIM: Mahatma Gandhi? MOE: Rachel! I was happy with Rachel, I could be with Rachel, and nothing would go wrong. But then you (indicating SLIM) had to bring up that bank thing and the relationship was on the verge of collapse. I can only pray that she’ll come over here again. (BILL and SLIM look at each other.) BILL: Uh... Rachel did, kinda, come back over... MOE: She did? Then where is she- (predicting the outcome) Oh, no. Slimmmm..!! The one woman in my life, the only person!! And now she’ll never speak to me again! How could you- (He stops as he hears "It’s a Long Way to Tipperary" coming from the kitchen, along with the juggling of plates. MOE looks up, then a smile appears on his face. He runs offstage, and yells, "Rachel!!". We then hear plates shatter.) BILL: (to SLIM) Well, I was a little worried for a minute, there. I almost thought that Moe was going to give up on life. But I’m glad it all worked out. SLIM: (as plates continue dropping) Tell that to the fine china... and the car. ("Tipperary" comes up as MOE and RACHEL walk on in wedding garb. SLIM stands next to them. EVA walks across, crying. BILL goes to comfort her. They look longingly at each other, then walk off together. As the song begins to end, MOE says.) MOE: Hey, Slim, where’s the limo? (We hear the limo crash offstage.) BILLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! SLIM: I guess you need money for the bus. (laughter and applause as the play ends.) THE END