Copyright 2000
On the Internet at: http://mikemariano.com/iamthedevil/
The play opens in a normal psychiatrist’s office. An old desk is placed stage right, to its left a reclining couch. Gabe Larson sits at the desk, while Karl Meltzer is on the couch, looking up. Gabe and Karl are both in their 30s; Gabe is dressed in a rumpled shirt and tie. Karl, on the other hand, wears a shirt and tie with a knot so severe he is nearly strangling himself. Gabe idly scribbles on some papers. Karl sighs and begins speaking.
I guess you’d have to know where I’m coming from. If you look at it my way, I’ve done comfortably with my business for four years now, and now I’m looking at a major change.
Only half paying attention:
Uh huh...
Don’t get me wrong, Gabe; I’m not unhappy with the change, but... Taking another person on; that’s going to be an entirely new business relationship. And when this person’s going to be a future partner... why, we’re bound to have different ways of going about things.
He turns to Gabe.
You’re a criminal psychologist, right?
That’s right.
Well, you’ve got the difference right there. It’s not that I have any doubt about things working out; I just want to make sure that it won’t be a bumpy ride...
He sighs.
Do you think I’m bumpy?
Excuse me?
Well, do you think you’d get along with me? That’s what it boils down to.
Karl, I’ve always been able to get along with you, and I’ve never clashed with you before.
So you think it will go all right?
Absolutely.
So you want to do it?
You know what I think, and well; you’re the boss.
That’s right...
He gets up.
That’s right, I am the boss. And as the boss...
He extends a hand to Gabe.
I’m more than happy to take you on as a part of my practice.
Shaking:
And I’m more than proud to accept. Karl, thank you for rescuing me from dusty police reports, library basements, and work that nobody cares about. We are going to make a great partnership.
Yeah, I just wish we could be a partnership in name sooner. You’ve taken the tests, but until we pass this by the regional director, you’ll still be under my wing.
Who’s the regional director?
LeAnne McDermott, and unfortunately it’s going to take at least a couple of weeks to get her clearance. It isn’t because she’s slow; it’s because she’s picky.
Ouch.
She’s going to sit on your application and watch us for a while. Making sure we have our act together. In the meantime, you’re only half certified, so there’s a limit on your number of patients, what you can do in the office, and a whole bunch of fine print.
Karl, is this going to be a problem for you?
Nah, McDermott might breathe down my neck, but you’re the one with one hand tied right now.
OK, but tell LeAnne to hurry up. I chafe easily.
No problem, Gabe. I’m going to call her right now, actually.
He starts for stage left, but stops and turns.
Oh, and Gabe... I’ve got a surprise for you...
Ooh, surprise...
I’ve got you your first patient.
Really?
Yeah, I had a woman call up yesterday, and she’s going to be here in a few minutes.
Wait, she’s starting today?
No no; she’s just going to get to know you, decide what exactly she needs. It won’t be a full session, either.
So it’s a free sample?
You could say that.
Cool.
Karl checks his watch.
Look, I’m going to wait outside for her; I’ll send her right in.
Sounds good.
Yup. And Gabe-
He gives a “thumbs-up.”
Welcome to the business.
Smiles:
Thanks.
Karl leaves stage left. Gabe watches him leave, then surveys the office. Gabe comes center, pauses, then jumps on the couch, giddy with excitement.
Whee!
It’s childish, but Gabe knows it and enjoys it. However, he does not notice Alice Osbourne entering from stage left. Alice is in her 30s or 40s. She eyes Gabe with a cautious glance.
Hello?
Gabe turns, gasps, and jumps off the couch. He pauses, then awkwardly sticks out his hand.
Hi...
Taking his hand, cautiously:
Hi... You’re Dr. Larson?
Yeah, Gabe Larson. Sorry about that; you... you caught me in the middle of my... calisthenics...
I see...
Well here; come on it. Have a seat.
He motions for her to sit and goes to the desk.
Complying:
Well, I certainly know it’s sturdy...
What can I do for you?
Well, I was thinking about therapy, and wanted to hear any recommendations you had.
Interesting. What ultimately made you decide—excuse me, what was the spark that made you say to yourself, “That’s it. I need a psychologist.”?
Apprehensive:
Are we getting into this already? Don’t you want to know my name or anything first?
Well, I like to start off patients by discovering what made them perform their last action—in this case, coming to this office—and then working backward from there.
Well, I was named quite a while ago. We’re going to have to go pretty far back if you want my name.
Fair enough. What should I call you?
I’m Alice. Alice Osbourne.
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Alice.
Likewise. I just hope I haven’t messed up your sequence... Should we go back to the...looking backward?
Yes, working backward; yeah, what were you doing just before you said, “I need help.”?
OK...
She exhales.
You know, this is going to sound silly...
Hey, I just sounded silly; it’s your turn.
OK. The moment I knew I needed help came when I was loading my dishwasher. I had loaded the dishes, and I was filling it with detergent as usual, when I noticed that the detergent now had a “spill-proof bottle.”
Uh huh...
Yeah, they pointed it out on the label, and you could see it in the spout. The spout was longer, and there was now a reservoir around it to catch any detergent that dripped down the bottle.
Alice shifts in her seat and continues.
My first though when I saw this was: “Wow.” My second thought was: “That’s so sad.”
That’s so sad?
Yeah, once I thought about it. I mean, I had never spilled dishwasher detergent before. And it comes in gel form, so it’s almost impossible to spill anyway. And then I took it personally. It seemed like the detergent company didn’t trust me enough with their product; they couldn’t trust me to keep the gel from spilling without their help.
She sighs and looks down.
They didn’t believe that I could do it.
She looks back up.
And from there, I just thought of everybody else who didn’t believe I could do anything. All throughout my life. And all because of dishwasher detergent. From that one spill-proof bottle, there was just a cascade—
Cascade!
What?
Cascade, was that the dishwashing detergent?
No... I was using the word in a sentence...
Embarrassed:
Oh...
Anyway, I just felt this as a cascade through every other event in my life. If the dishwasher detergent didn’t have faith in me, then it was obvious that everything else around me didn’t have faith in me. In a sense, I had become faithless. And since all of this came from a detergent bottle, I felt both really silly and really, really sad, all at the same time...
She turns to Gabe:
What do you think?
Gabe frowns, pauses, and thinks.
What brand was the detergent?
I think it was Palmolive.
Interested:
Ah...
He scribbles furiously. Alice stares at him. Gabe looks back up.
Go ahead; continue.
Well, I’m really done with my story. I just want to know if you think this detergent experience is a legitimate concern—a subconscious cry for mental help—or if it’s just an overreaction.
Leaning forward:
Alice...
Gabe leans back suddenly.
I don’t know.
He frowns and taps his pencil.
Alice, what kind of dishwasher do you have?
Dr. Larson, these are the same questions the Maytag Repairman would ask me. What is this supposed to do?
I’m just curious. What kind is it?
Well, I really don’t know. It came with the apartment. It’s kinda new...it might be one of those Whirlpool models.
Ah...
More scribbling.
Skeptical:
Is that the right answer?
Miss Osbourne, you’re lying to me.
What?
You’re lying to me, and that’s not healthy.
I’m lying to you? I haven’t even told you anything yet!
You’ve told me enough, Alice.
OK, maybe it wasn’t a Whirlpool; I really don’t know what to tell you.
It isn’t the brand name; it’s the whole incident. Alice, deriving the meaning of life from a detergent bottle is very poetic. It’s very nice to hear, but it can’t happen in real life.
Uh huh...
Reaffirming himself:
Uh huh.
How many times did you fall off this couch while you were jumping on it?
Alice, your story, psychologically, doesn’t add up. Do you know how difficult it is to think abstractly while you’re performing tasks that are almost instinct?
I guess not.
You’re doing the dishes for the umpteenth-thousandth time in your life. You won’t notice a big sticker about a new spout. After a lifetime of using a product, you start to shutter out a few new words here and a different shape there. It’s natural human behavior. So to notice a new spout while you’re filling is almost impossible.
Dr. Larson, if it’s “impossible” to see new packaging, why would companies change it—“psychologically”?
Oh, you can notice new packaging, while looking for it in the store or putting it away, but you’re not going to look at it in the middle of a routine chore. Alice, if you told me you saw the label in the checkout aisle or something, I would have believed you. But as it stands, you’re using the story to hide the truth from me, and I can’t have that.
Alice shakes her head.
And all that from the psychology of packaging...
Alice, I really need the truth. The truth about yourself. The truth about the root of your problems.
The truth...
Yes.
She sighs.
I could tell you the truth, but it’s harder to believe than detergent. You could even say it’s more tritely poetic than my original story.
I can’t treat a lie, Alice.
You want to hear it?
I need a straight answer.
OK, there’s only one answer I can give. I am the Devil.
Dead Silence. Gabe and Alice are completely motionless.
Excuse me?
Spelling it out:
I am the-
Trying to keep up:
I heard you, I heard you... This is metaphorical? It’s-
No. I am the Devil. Lucifer. Satan. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince of Darkness. Take your pick.
You’re serious. You think you’re the Devil...
Oh, I can’t think while performing, remember? Gabe, that is my story. I am Satan!
Gabe leans forward, about to speak. He doesn’t; he merely sits there, confused. Alice looks away and exhales, relieved.
Boy, it feels good to get that off my chest. I never tell anyone that. Even when I’m surrounded by fire and brimstone, giving people blood-inked contracts, I keep up the charade.
She turns to Gabe.
Dr. Larson, you’re right. Honesty does help.
Still stunned:
Alice... You say you’re the Devil... What does the Devil need with psychotherapy?
It’s exactly what I told you before, Gabe: faith.
Faith.
People don’t believe in me. You think God gets upset when everybody since Nietzsche tosses him aside? Well Gabe, I’m part of that package deal. Not only do I get dismissed in the sentence, “God is dead,” I don’t even get an honorable mention. Gabe, you don’t know what it’s like to be a tangible figure for so long, and then to be a forgotten myth. It’s sickening. I’m used to being rejected, cursed, exorcised—but I’ve never been so shut out as I am right now. I don’t know if I fill a need anymore.
She turns to Gabe.
Gabe, I need direction.
Well, Alice—Satan... Alice?
Alice is fine.
Alice. There’s still evil in the world, so I hardly think—
Oh Gabe, you’re out of touch. Being evil has never been the same thing as being Satan. So many people have given me credit as the origin of all evil. Believe me, I’d love to take that trophy, but I can’t. Evil was just another entry in the rulebook at Creation. My job has never been to produce sin, only to process it.
Well, if there’s still evil, can’t you still process it?
Distastefully:
Yeah... It’s something I’ll have to do anyway, but it won’t have that personal touch. Some cultures don’t have a Satan figure, and I’m fine with that. But if no cultures have me anymore, then my job is really antiseptic. Gabe, it’s like not being able to root for the home team.
Alice... You lost me a long time ago, but I’m still having trouble trying to envision what I can provide for Satan. I mean, if you’re who you say you are, you’re a supernatural kinda guy. With super powers.
Condescending:
Right. X-Ray vision, ice breath. And if I get angry I turn into a big green hulk.
Well Alice, Satan naturally would be more than a mere mortal. You’d pretty much have freedom of space and time. Is there really anything you can learn from a session with me? And wouldn’t you know what I’m going to say, anyway?
Alice smiles.
Maybe. But just remember who I am; where I’ve been. I love seeing humanity up close and personal. There’s just something there you can’t get by acting like a high and mighty force of evil. If I want to understand how to get along with mankind, the best way to do it is as Alice Osbourne.
OK...
He raps his knuckles on the desk.
Alice, is there any way you can back any of this up?
What do you mean?
I mean, being Satan.
You want to see a membership card or something.
No no; just... So far everything you’ve told me could come from a regular old Alice Osbourne. An Alice Osbourne who just likes to pretend she’s Satan.
Gabe waits for a response. Alice just stares.
So... Super powers could actually help right now.
Alice scoffs.
I mean, I already know your secret identity.
I don’t believe this! Gabe, this is exactly what I’m talking about! You’ve taken the Bible and turned it into a comic book! This is the big problem: I’m not part of faith anymore if I’m sitting on the shelf next to Doctor Octopus.
OK... So can you show me any examples of non-comic book demonic powers?
Groans:
Gabe, I want you to analyze me; not Siegfried and Roy. You’re just going to have to take my word for it.
Gabe sighs.
Alice, are you sure that you’re not here so I can help you, I don’t know... realize that you aren’t really Satan?
Alice gets up from the couch.
Oh please, Gabe. The last thing I want to do is play Identity Crisis Ping-Pong every session, and I thought a new practitioner like you would be the most receptive to that.
OK, OK; you’re right. If it’s Satanic Psychosis you want gone, then that’s what I’ll provide.
Smiles at Gabe:
Thank you.
So, you want to start Thursday at 12:30, and then we’ll go every week from there?
That sounds reasonable.
Cool. Then we can get this done.
Gabe gets up from the desk and shakes with Alice.
Very cool.
She begins to exit stage left.
Ooh!
She stops.
Actually, can we make it 1:00? Karl has somebody in here.
One?
I don’t like to share.
One is fine.
OK. See you then, Mrs. Osbourne.
Oh, uh-
Alice is cut off as Karl enters, reviewing a file. He does not see Alice and crashes right into her. Alice is caught off balance. Karl drops the file and catches her. Alice, recovered, finishes her statement, looking from Gabe to Karl.
It’s Miss Osbourne...
Oh, Alice. I’d like you to meet Karl Meltzer.
Brushing her hair aside, extending her hand:
Charmed.
Karl attempts to shake her hand, but his arm is still wrapped around her. Karl attempts to maneuver his arm up around Alice’s head, but this is too awkward. Finally, Karl breaks away and weakly shakes Alice’s hand.
Sorry about that...
Oh, it’s nothing...
She shrugs and smiles.
At least you caught me!
Karl smiles, embarrassed. Alice looks up.
Goodbye, Gabe!
Bye!
Goodbye, Karl...
Alice slips out stage left. Karl stares off as Gabe approaches. Karl shakes his head and turns to Gabe.
She’s nice...
Mmmm Hmmm...
Picking up his file:
Anyway, I called LeAnne McDermott’s office, but she wasn’t in. The secretary had a bit of advice though.
What’s that?
Take Alice, take at most only one more patient, and don’t do anything but talk. Don’t sign for anything, don’t publish anything, don’t make any official recommendations.
Well Karl, what about my criminal analysises, analyses... analysii...
He shakes his head.
-reports? I really can’t stop doing them for too long.
Well, you can still do them, but hold off on any official submissions for a while. And if you need anything for your patients, just let me know and I’ll take care of it.
Wow. This is the doctoral equivalent of going on the lam. How long are we going to have to do this?
It shouldn’t take more than two weeks. It’s rough, but it beats getting the wrath of God from LeAnne.
That’s true. Hey Karl, thanks for going through all of this.
Gabe, it’s nothing, really. It’s a couple forms, a couple phone calls, and just sweating it out.
No, Karl. I mean... thanks for everything.
Oh... No problem.
Beat.
Say, that Alice Osbourne... What’s she here for?
Oh, Alice... Nothing, really... just a few personal demons...
Ah...
Karl turns to see Kim Bell enter. Kim is Gabe’s fiancee, and she wears similar casual office wear.
Kim!
Karl!
They hug.
Kim!
Angry:
Gabe!
Kim decks Gabe across the face, sending him flying over the couch. This sequence should run in equal beats: Kim-Karl-Hug, Kim-Gabe-Deck. Kim towers over Gabe as Karl looks, stunned.
Well... I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone...
Karl slips out. Kim exhales.
From behind couch:
Honey? Are you upset?
Controlled:
Yeah...
Gabe’s head pops up from behind the couch.
Why?
Gabe, I’m trying to be understanding about your new job and everything, but it’s really taking its toll on me. I really don’t mind that you and Karl have been running around for weeks, trying to make you into a psychoanalyst. I don’t mind that you missed dinner with my father to discuss the wedding. Gabe, I don’t care at all that you’re playing the serious role of “Dr. Larson” and completely ignoring the role of “Kim Bell’s future husband.”
Uh huh...
But Gabe, the person I’m trying to reach right now is “Dr. Larson.” And it’s for something a whole lot more urgent than our wedding.
Uh huh...
Kim stares at him, fuming.
Get up from there...
Gabe gets up from behind the couch, rubbing his jaw.
I need Dr. Larson to give me a recommendation for my trip to Africa.
Kim presents him with a plane ticket.
Taking the ticket:
Africa?
Africa.
Didn’t you go to Africa last time?
Yes, Gabe. It’s because the government was so pleased with the job I did last month that this time they’re sending me back. This time I’ll even get to meet the rebel leader and hopefully put this thing to an end.
Studying the ticket:
This is for a one way trip.
Oh. Well, that’s the way these foreign airlines work. They don’t want to get your hopes up that they’ll have another flight back.
She sits.
Hmmm...
But Gabe, before the government will let me meet with the man, I have to prove that I’m psychologically capable of dealing with this possible madman. I need a recommendation from a criminal psychologist.
She looks at him. Gabe stares blankly for a moment.
Getting it:
Oh, you need a recommendation! From me! Oh... ah, no Kim; I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Excuse me?
Karl said so. Since I’m in a review period, I can’t do any official things.
Getting up:
But this has nothing to do with your practice with Karl! This is the same criminal psychology you’ve always been doing!
I know, but Karl says anything could get me in trouble.
I don’t believe this...
Sorry, Kim, I can’t make the recommendation.
Why not?! Just yesterday you gave that release photo to Con Vincent.
That’s different!
How is it different?!
It’s different!
Half Beat.
I hope it’s different...
Gabe shakes his head.
Look, I don’t know what I can do, but the safest thing to do is get everything you need from me from Karl instead.
Karl’s not a criminal psychologist!
Yeah, but...
Gabe exhales heavily.
I don’t know... I’m tired... hungry... You wanna eat?
I want my recommendation.
Sighs:
I know... let’s just eat...
Kim looks at him, frowns, but finally accepts Gabe’s pathetic display.
OK...
She puts an arm around him and begins walking him stage left. She reaches for his face.
How’s your jaw?
Ow!
Gabe jerks away as her hand connects, but they continue walking. End scene.
The scene opens in a restaurant. There is one table downstage left just off center. There is another table upstage right off of center. Kim and Gabe are sitting at the downstage table studying menus, Kim in the stage left seat and Gabe in the right. Gabe looks up from his menu at Kim and sighs.
I don’t know what I want...
Without looking up:
Give me a recommendation.
I can’t.
Then shut up.
Gabe sighs. The Man enters from stage right. The Man will play several characters throughout the show. Right now he is dressed as a waiter, decked out with an apron and a pad of paper. It may or may not be funny if The Man looks noticeably like Jesus. He approaches the table, surveys the conflicted Gabe and the withdrawn Kim, and coughs. Gabe looks up.
Oh, uh... Well, we’re just about... Honey, why don’t you start?
Kim thrusts her menu into The Man’s hands.
Decisively:
I’ll have the steak, either blood-red or burned to a crisp; your choice, but nothing in between.
The Man jots it down, then both he and Kim turn to Gabe. Gabe looks up.
Uh... I’ll have the pasta special...
The Man writes the order.
...and, can I have that without onions?
The Man gives Gabe a look, then revises his order. He turns to walk back off.
Oh, and can you make sure the pasta is al dente?
The Man turns slowly to face Gabe, glares at him, then leaves stage right. Gabe turns to Kim.
Kim, about your trip, I really do want to help. I’ll ask Karl tomorrow if there’s anything we can do.
Gabe, if there’s nothing you can do about it now, then I don’t want to talk about it.
OK...
He taps his fingers against the table nervously.
What do you want to talk about?
How about the wedding?
Oh, the wedding...
Gabe reaches into his pocket.
Pulling out a planner:
Well, it is kind of a major life decision for the two of us...
Gabe pulls out a small jewelry box. He opens it and holds it out in front of Kim. Kim does not notice.
We might as well nail down at least the date of this thing. The caterer alone has most of the month booked up already. My father wants to know if the 17th is our final final date.
It’s final final enough for me.
Just wanted to know. He has arrangements to make, and we-
Kim notices the box.
Gabe?
Kim?
Gabe! What is this?
It’s an engagement ring.
She takes the box.
But, Gabe, we’re already engaged!
I know...
Gabe, I told you I didn’t need a ring. You-
She examines the ring.
Oh Gabe, it’s a diamond!
You deserve diamonds.
Gabe, you can’t afford this; not at all!
Kim, it’s OK! When I proposed to you, I couldn’t promise you anything. I was a criminal justice grunt with a hand-me-down suit. Well, I’m still that grunt, and I still don’t have a better suit, but I’m on my way up. Soon I’ll be a therapist. Soon I’ll be the guy who would have given you this ring in the first place. And I know you think it’s too expensive, but I did this for us. So I could believe that there was an us.
Oh... But Gabe...
Kim looks up from the ring at Gabe. He smiles. She smiles.
Thank you.
Gabe takes the ring and puts it on Kim’s finger. He kisses her hand.
You are a charmer, Gabe Larson. It’ll be tough when I’ll have to leave you.
Jarred:
Huh?
For Africa?
Kim leans over and smiles.
I still want my recommendation.
Ehhh, let’s keep talking about wedding stuff... You said your father had problems with the 17th?
Oh no; he’s just going to be scheduling his surgery around that week.
Oh. Well, if it’s a problem we could just hold the ceremony over the operating table...
Kim smiles and looks at Gabe.
...Wheel him through the emergency ward to give away the bride...
Kim leans forward.
Just you wait, Gabe Larson. I’ll make an honest woman out of you.
Gabe breaks into a grin.
That sounds painful.
They giggle.
So, first day as a psychiatrical therapist... What did you do, alphabetize Karl’s files?
No... No, actually I have my very own patient.
Wow, and he’s not a hardened criminal?
Ah, “she.” And no, she’s a very nice woman. She’s just... she’s decided to take a very... unique outlook on life, and I think it’s finally starting to catch up to her. I’m guessing—I’m hoping—that I’ll just need to help her let go of some emotional baggage.
Light bulb above head:
Baggage!
Excuse me?
That’s another thing I meant to ask you about. Remember last time to Africa I borrowed your suitcases, but they were too small to take all of the diamonds?
Huh?
Well this time I found other cases, so I’ll only need to take your large green suitcase.
Gabe sits, puzzled.
If it’s a problem, I can go without it...
I remember the luggage... but what was that about diamonds?
Kim shakes her head, pauses, and leans toward Gabe.
Whispering:
The diamonds... from the rebels...?
What...?
That I... take care of?
What?!
Gabe gets up.
Gabe-
“Take care of”?! That’s a mafia term! You’re taking care of stuff?!
Gabe! Sit down!
Gabe sits. Kim continues, angry, but controlled.
You know about this. You know about this, Gabe!
Also controlled:
Know about what?! I know you’re a humanitarian!
I am!
“Taking care” of people isn’t very humanitarian!
Gabe!
She sighs.
I’m doing the same thing I did my last trip. I am going to try and convince the rebels to lay down their weapons. Peripheral to this, I will be buying their diamonds to sell here in America.
Buy their diamonds?
The African governments have made it illegal for anyone to buy any diamonds taken from rebel mines.
It dawns on Gabe:
Kim! You’re a smuggler!
Keep it down!:
Gabe!
I don’t believe this! My fiancee is a James Bond villain!
Gabe!
I’m marrying Goldfinger!
Gabe!
Well, there’s no way you’re getting that recommendation now.
Oh come on, Gabe...
No, you come on, Kim. Or rather, come off of this stupid idea. It’s illegal, dangerous, and probably is going to get you killed by the Zimbabwe Secret Service...
I don’t believe this...
Kim, were you even thinking about the consequences here? These are trained killers and warlords!
I know! And I was thinking of the consequences, Gabe. I was thinking how it might be nice to see the years I’ve spent in “global humanitarianism” get some compensation. I was thinking, that with you still paying school debts, it might be nice not to worry about payments for our wedding, house, and...
She looks at the engagement ring.
...other expenses. And you knew about this!
I didn’t! I don’t remember you telling me anything!
Gabe, maybe it got jumbled up there in your brain with all the other “criminal schemes” you put in your reports, but I know what I said. And the last time I did this, it went fine. The only difference this time is the recommendation I need to go.
Kim, geez...
Frustrated, Gabe gets up and paces.
Kim, geez! I mean, this is big. Kim, this isn’t like having the cable guy get you free HBO or the cop let you off with a seat belt violation. When you deal with those guys, they go home and they’re normal people. Kim, after you’re done dealing with the rebels, they go home and kill people! They kill people!
Kim gets up.
Gabe, please! Sit down and let me reason with you!
Exasperated:
They kill people!
Gabe Larson, I do not have to take this! I’m going to the bathroom!
Kim whirls around and nearly rams into The Man, who has entered from stage right. They back away from each other. Kim makes a threatening start at The Man, who backs out of her way. Kim exits right. The Man approaches stage left.
They kill people!
Gabe sighs and sits, his head in his hand. Karl and Alice enter stage left. The Man greets them and seats them at the empty table, Karl right and Alice left.
Aggggghhhh...
Gabe groans and throws himself backward, his head hanging over the edge of the chair. He notices Alice.
Alice?
Alice turns and sees him.
Hi Gabe!
Gabe?
Gabe frowns and rights himself.
Karl?
He gets up.
How are you, Dr. Larson?
Approaching them:
Good... What are you two up to?
Uh...
Oh, well, after I got home, Karl called me up, and we got around to talking, and he recommended that we have dinner.
He did...?
He turns to Karl.
Karl, can you come with me for a second?
Sure...
Karl gets up and follows Gabe downstage. Alice turns her attention to her menu.
Karl, we’re working on becoming partners, right?
Uh huh...
Mi casa e su casa...
Right...
E pluribus unum...
OK...
Alles klar, Herr Kommissar...?
Sure.
So if you go and take my patient to dinner, that’s tantamount to me taking her out, in the process violating some serious therapistical taboos.
Oh, no! No, Gabe, I admit: this looks like a very...delicate situation, but it’s really, very explainable.
Folding his arms:
Uh huh...
Firstly, this is just dinner, and really, its main purpose is to just talk, just get to know Alice Osbourne. And from my dinner tonight, I’ll be better prepared to help you, my partner, with any assistance you need.
And, secondly?
Self-conscious half-smile:
Well, if, hypothetically, anything did happen between Alice and myself, it would help move you from the “junior partner” role you currently have, and give you more autonomy in our work relationship.
Gabe just shakes his head at Karl.
So, either way, this turns out to be a valuable learning experience for you, Gabe.
I’ll bet.
So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go back to Alice.
Karl, I just want to make sure that this isn’t going to jeopardize my LeAnne McDermott thing...
Oh, no! Not at all.
On top of the fact that Alice thinks she’s... in need of serious help.
Gabe, don’t worry. I know how to handle a patient.
That’s what I was afraid of.
Hey, are you here alone?
No, Kim’s in the ladies’ room. I think she’s coming back...
All right; tell her hello for me.
Sure.
Enjoy your dinner!
He returns to the table, pulling his chair closer to Alice’s and sharing her menu. Gabe watches this as he returns to his seat.
Amazing...
What?
Gabe turns with a start. Kim is sitting across from him again. Meanwhile, the lights dim on the other table while The Man returns and takes the orders of Karl and Alice.
Ah, nevermind...
Kim reaches across the table and grabs Gabe’s hands.
Gabe, I know you’re upset with me now, and I know what you think about my trip, but I just want you to hear me out.
Gabe sighs.
OK...
Gabe...
She squeezes his hands.
The world is a stupid, stupid place. We celebrate our flashes of inspiration, our victories in science and technology, but these are all few and far between. Three-hundred and sixty-four days a year, we are quite stupid. And while our great inventions, our daring feats, don’t improve through the years, even our tiniest moments of stupidity are amplified over time, until they become integral parts of our stupid lives.
Eh?
Kim smiles.
Let me give you an example. If a pilot lands his plane perfectly once, twice, a thousand times, he gets nothing for it. He gets his paycheck, some vacation time, and maybe a nice watch come retirement. But that’s it. Now, if he blinks once in his career—sneezes, scratches his bald spot, whatever—it’s all over. He’ll have crashed the plane, costing hundreds of lives and millions of dollars. The airline now has to deal with the insurance costs, the negative publicity, and one less plane. It doesn’t matter if the pilot survives or not, because he’ll never fly again anyway. One stupid mistake gets him more than a thousand correct landings.
She leans back.
Now, you’re probably wondering why I’m using this example if my argument is that people are stupid most of the time.
I’m wondering why you’re using this example if you want to fly to Africa...
Gabe, the real stupidity isn’t with the pilot, it’s with our expectations. The pilot knows how important it is to keep his plane in the air, but rather than empathize with his high-pressure situation, we build on it. We promise that we will destroy the pilot, if he doesn’t do it himself. Is that smart?
She leans in and smiles.
Gabe, that’s stupid. We put pilots in their worst mental states, work them long hours, and expect a perfect flight every time. What we get is the collective stupidity of our entire culture deposited on every flight.
Beat.
Gabe, what I’m trying to do is a casualty of our human stupidity, but it shouldn’t make things any worse. The bottom line is this: if the rebels don’t get any more money, they will no longer be able to buy food or medicine. They have assured me that some of the money they will earn from these diamonds will go to this kind of relief.
Some?
There’s a set amount that has to go to guns and ammo.
Geez... Why are they even fighting?!
They’re fighting because their people are hungry.
Gabe gives Kim a look.
Granted, they could spend more money on food instead, but then their people aren’t hungry, and they have no argument.
Exclaims:
But that’s so-
Fill-in-the-blank:
Stupid?
Gabe leans back.
Uncomfortably:
Yeah...
Gabe, that’s what I told you. But that’s the way this situation is. I figured that if I made the deal, the sick, starving rebel families will get at least some benefit.
Hmmmm...
Beat.
It’s the least stupid thing I could think of.
The Man reenters, carrying two plates. He approaches the table and puts one plate in front of Kim.
Oh, thank you...
The Man puts the other plate in front of Gabe. The plate is empty. The Man reaches into his apron, pulls out a box of Ronzoni, opens it, and dumps the dry pasta on Gabe’s plate.
Al Dente.
He gives Gabe a look and exits. Gabe looks at his plate and frowns. Kim enjoys her steak.
Dryly:
How’s the steak?
Kim swallows.
It’s good.
Good...
Gabe, I just wanted to make that one point. For this trip to Africa, I know what I’m doing, and I know it will help. I just need the recommendation.
Gabe tries his pasta.
Yes, well... Kim...
He crunches loudly on his pasta, his face contorts in pain. He swallows, grimaces, and continues.
Kim, you haven’t heard the last bit of my argument.
What?
They kill people!
Mouth full of steak:
Oh God...
Kim rolls her eyes and swallows.
Gabe, I don’t know what you want me to do about that! The rebels are going to fight no matter what I do; I’m just doing business!
Gabe scoffs.
Just business...
Softly:
Gabe, I would end all the wars in the world for you if I could. But I’m settling for the closest thing.
Gabe looks down, then sighs.
Kim, it’s not just that. Any recommendation I make in the next two weeks might cost me my certification. And if it’s for something illegal, it will cost me my license.
He looks at Kim and sighs.
And it still makes you a James Bond villain.
He gets up.
I’ve got to get out of here...
He walks left.
Gabe? The bathroom’s that way...
Still walking:
But the car’s this way...
He exits. Kim stands.
The car? Gabe!
She runs off left. The sound of a car starting and pulling away. Kim walks back in, dazed.
I don’t believe this!
She reaches in her purse and takes out a cell phone. She dials. The Man approaches her with the check. He coughs. Kim turns, looks at him, takes the check with her free hand, crumples it and throws it on the floor. She turns.
Hi, yeah, I need a cab.
She turns and looks at the departing Man.
Tell you what, I’ll start walking and meet you halfway...
Kim exits left. The lights come up full on Alice and Karl. Alice is laughing, while Karl smiles, self-conscious.
I don’t believe it...
Hey, I wouldn’t either, except I’m the one who had the wires in his jaw...
That’s too funny...
And that’s why I use the non-dairy creamer...
The Man enters with their food.
But let me ask you something now...
To The Man:
Thank you...
The Man exits.
Alice, what exactly made you decide on my practice?
Alice blushes and turns away.
Oh, well Karl, I have to admit that I was a little less than scientific... I mean, I wish I could tell you that it was because I was recommended to you, that your reputation was excellent, but...
Coaxing:
But what?
Laughs:
I just opened the Yellow Pages and saw yours was the biggest ad on the page.
My big ad?
I’m sorry...
On, no, don’t be sorry at all.
He smiles.
That’s what I paid for...
Karl, I feel real bad. I don’t want you to think I’m shallow.
She looks at him.
I see you as more than just a big ad.
Smiles:
Well thank you.
Alice smiles back. She reaches into her purse for a stick of gum.
Want a piece of gum?
In the middle of dinner?
Alice pushes her plate away.
I can’t eat any more of this; the pasta’s overdone.
Oh.
Enjoy your dinner. The gum will keep me busy.
You know, that’s interesting. Chewing gum has a lot of purposes we never really think of. They’ve been doing a lot of work with it in the medical field. For a lot of medicines that need to be carefully time released, you can put it in a piece of gum, and then when it’s chewed, you get a steady stream of the medicine. You can’t get that by downing a teaspoon all at once. It’s what they do with some nicotine products.
Hmmm...
It’s a much easier form of ingestion. Not everybody can swallow a horse pill, but everybody can chew.
That’s true...
Karl sighs.
But I don’t know if medicinal gum will ever catch on. People don’t take it seriously; they expect to see gum in the candy aisle, and think it only rots your teeth. But people have got to know the benefits. Gum is more than just a kid’s candy.
Well I think candy is more than a kid’s thing, too.
How do you mean?
Alice smiles.
Well, there’s just something there that’s so primal. Candy is about satisfaction. All the indulgence. All of the sticky-sweet biting and sucking, it just makes candy so...sexual...
Hiding a smile:
Well, there’s always that connection. There’ll always be a link between... oral satisfaction and... well...
Karl, I know, but it still amazes me how blatant they make it when you look at a bag of candy.
How so?
Well, there’s always something devious about saying product names like “Reeses Pieces” or “Milky Way,” but it just gets naughtier the more you think about it. Take Skittles and M&M’s, for example. They’re both made by the same company, and they both have their initials on them...
Uh huh...
All day long in the factory, they pound out little “S”es, and they pound out little “M”s. And if you put them together, what do you get?
Trying to pronounce the consonants together:
Sm?
Smiles:
You get S & M...
Ohhh...
And in the same product, we’ve all heard the rumors about “the green M&M...” This can’t all just be coincidence. I mean, Almond Joy’s got nuts; Mounds don’t. What about jimmies, and sprinkles? What about “the Good Humor Man?” What about Blow Pop?
Charleston Chew...
They giggle.
But what I really wonder about is the Snickers Bar. Now, it’s got peanuts, caramel, and nougat. What is nougat?
It’s the... it’s the filling.
Yes, but it’s just so different, it’s just so... nougat.
She sighs.
It even sounds racy just to say it. Nougat. Go ahead, you say it?
Say it?
Yeah, say... nougat...
He looks at her.
Nougat.
Nougat...
Nougat...
He giggles.
Nougat...
Isn’t it exhilarating?
Smiles:
You’re crazy...
But I’m right.
With a sideways glance.
Nougat.
Gosh... All this talk about candy...
Alice sighs, contented. Karl shakes his head and smiles.
Can I tempt you with dessert?
Snapping to attention:
Tempt who in the desert? Oh, you mean... well, maybe...
I’m done with this, and I figured you might want something.
Well...
What do you want? I bet you’re the angel food cake type.
Oh, well I used to be...
And you are again now.
He leans back and calls:
Oh, waiter?
Karl and Alice smile at each other. The lights fade and the scene ends.
The scene opens two Thursdays later in Karl’s office. Karl sits at the desk, while The Man, now dressed in a baseball cap and glasses, lies on the couch. Karl illustrates with his hands as he talks.
... So what I think you need to do is to confront the situation directly, not only telling her the circumstances, but also your feelings. She’s already bending over backwards trying to please you, so if you only use the job relocation as an excuse, she’ll only try to adapt. You have to let your girlfriend know that this relationship, in any circumstance, isn’t giving either of you what you need, and it just needs to end...
Karl leans back and gives a slight laugh.
And hey, if she’s serious about threatening to slit her wrists, she’s not my patient...
He checks his watch.
Well, I guess we’re about done here. I wish I could tell you to break it to her easier...
Karl and The Man both stand. They approach each other and shake.
Good luck, man. I’ll see you next week.
The Man nods and exits left. Karl sits back at the desk. He pauses, then opens a desk drawer. He takes a pack of M&M’s from the drawer. He tears it open, then giggles.
Entering left:
Karl?
Panicked, Karl throws the bag of M&Ms behind him, sending them scattering all over the floor. He straightens himself and stands to meet Alice.
Alice! Wow, I haven’t seen you in... almost two weeks!
Yeah, I’m sorry this weekend didn’t work out for you. Are you sure you’re all recovered from your, ah, flare-up?
Oh, my-? Yeah...
That’s what it was, right? How did-
Karl holds up a hand.
Forget it. It’s more complicated than it sounds. Anyway, I would love to make it up to you. Maybe tonight?
Tonight? Yeah, sure!
Great! Hey, I’ll go call a few places about reservations, and we can decide after your session.
OK then!
Smiles:
Cool. I’ll go tell Gabe you’re ready.
Karl exits left. Alice sits on the couch and watches Karl as he exits. Alone, she gives a pleased shudder.
Ooh!
Gabe walks in, followed by Karl.
Hey Karl, have we heard from LeAnne yet?
Uhhh... no...
Gabe turns.
Well, Karl, hasn’t it been the two weeks?
No, they still have a day or two, I think. But don’t worry.
Setting up his desk:
I kinda have to worry...
Gabe, don’t sweat it. Your certification is definitely coming through.
Gabe looks at him.
Almost definitely...
Gabe sighs.
Well, if she calls, let me know...
Sure thing.
Karl begins to exit. As he passes Alice, he begins walking backwards, holding an imaginary phone to his face and mouthing, to Alice, “I’ll call.” Alice nods and mouths “OK.” in return. Gabe just watches and shakes his head. Karl exits and Alice watches. Gabe loudly drops a folder on the desk, getting Alice’s attention.
Alice, I want you to take a look at something...
Gabe takes a piece of paper out of the folder and hands it to Alice.
This is a case I’m currently working on for the county. I thought you might want to take a look at it.
Alice eyes it.
Go ahead; read the intro.
Reading:
“Here’s a story, of a lovely lady, who was chopping up three very lovely girls.”
She looks up.
Well, it’s a very charming opening...
Alice, this woman killed her children, then tried to overdose on antifreeze. What does that say to you about evil?
That some people want to have a Very Brady Human Sacrifice?
What creates that want, though? Alice, when you read this, how does it make you feel?
Well, I can’t say it surprises me. Though you haven’t told me why this massacre occurred, I don’t doubt it could happen. Um... but Gabe, just the news that Person A axed Persons B, C, and D doesn’t make me feel much of anything.
Really?
What would get an emotional reaction from me would be the motivation. What was going through this woman’s head? What was the combination of thoughts, influences, and actions that drove her to kill? What unlocked the tumblers in her brain and brought that axe down? That knowledge would make me feel.
Yes, but make you feel what?
I don’t know... Delight? Disgust? Moral indignation? The important thing is that I would feel them, and share in another part of human experience. Gabe...
She leans forward.
The world is a wonderful, wonderful place. People can sing about the praises of Heaven or the evils of Hell, but all of that magic can be found here in all its forms. The world makes magic, Gabe; there’s no other word for it. From the tumbler lock of a woman’s brain to the waves of light and color from far-off stars, there is the same formula of horror and wonder, madness and clarity, despair and hope.
She sighs.
When I look at this world, Gabe, I think of a garden. A huge garden. Acres and acres of different flowers. And when they bloom, on each flower, on each petal, another garden unfolds. No matter how close you get, there’s still more beauty to see.
Beat.
I’m allergic to flowers.
Then there’s more horror to see. But that’s beautiful, too.
Alice frowns.
That’s part of my problem.
How’s that?
People can reach the ultimate depths of evil without any help from the devil. I don’t mind that; it’s part of the world’s natural beauty. But more and more horrible actions are happening more and more often. And some of these, like this lady bludgeoning her children, aren’t about the facts of life, they’re about giving up on life. That’s not what I’m about at all. Sometimes there is more evil in inaction then there is in the action of evil.
It’s sort of like getting confused, Guns N Roses “Appetite for Destruction” and Megadeth’s “Countdown to Extinction.”
Gabe, you’re terrible at this job...
Where is Axl Rose gonna end up, you think...?
What do you mean?
Come on, Alice; you are Satan. You’ve got to have a list. Who’s naughty, who’s nice...
Skeptically:
Oh, and you want to know if Axl is going up or down on the escalator of life...
Yeah, gimme the dirt!
Sighs:
Alright...
Alice reaches into her jacket and pulls out a piece of paper.
...But I don’t do this for just anyone...
She scans it. Gabe marvels.
This is so cool...
Alice looks up and gives Gabe a stern look. She looks back down, following a list with her finger. She stops.
There we go. Axl Rose is going to Hell.
Wow. Hey, what about my seventh grade science teacher, Mrs. Whittingly?
Glances:
She’s in Hell.
No kidding. What about Nixon?
Hell.
Stalin?
Hell.
Genghis Khan?
Hell.
What about Martin Luther King?
Hell.
Gabe pauses a beat. That doesn’t sound right.
Ghandi?
Hell.
Mother Theresa?
Hell.
George Washington?
Hell.
Carver?
Hell.
Beat.
How about the last five popes?
Hell, hell, hell, hell, and... hell.
Jesus...
Hell. But only for a little bit.
How about Lincoln?
Hell.
Moses?
Hell.
Annoyed:
Hitler?!
Alice stops, scans the list, and flips it over.
Hell.
Let me see that!
He snatches the paper out of Alice’s hand. He looks at it.
Wait a minute. The only thing written on this piece of paper is “*NSYNC Rocks.”
Well they do!
Gabe sighs.
Alice, let’s try something else. I want to know about your human form. Why Alice?
Why Alice?
Yeah. I mean, as Satan, you could be some pumped up muscle guy or some evil CEO-type; somebody who could walk into the room and just hit you with the power of evil. Alice, when you first walked in here, you just hit me with... Alice.
He spreads his hands.
What’s up with that?
Gabe, I don’t need to wear my horns on my sleeve, so to speak. The Mr. Scratch-esque Satan can be fun, but it’s such a one-note performance. I think Alice has so much more to her, and is so much better to communicate her problems to a therapist.
But Alice is just another performance. At the end of the day, you’ve got to come back to being the Prince of Darkness. That’s got to be awkward.
How so?
Because deep down, you can never just be human. You’ve got to be Satan, too. And that has to make it difficult to be the human Alice.
Well Gabe, I’d like to think I have some experience with the human form. After all, I’ve been using it for centuries. You’ve only been using it for a couple of decades.
That’s true, but someone could play a doctor on television for 30 years; I’d still rather get operated on by a kid fresh out of med school. Alice, that’s what you can never have. You can never have that authenticity.
Ooh, authenticity...
I’m serious. You don’t think that being Satan makes you a less convincing Alice?
Gabe gets up and paces.
Alice isn’t the problem here...
I think she is! I think that your real problem is that you’re blocking off the inner Alice.
What?
Alice, it’s like a peanut M&M...
Cautious:
M&M?
Yes...
This isn’t about sex, is it?
Gabe stops pacing and looks at her.
No...
He continues, moving center.
Alice, on the surface, you’re Alice, a crunchy candy shell. Underneath that, you’re Satan, the gooey milk chocolate. And underneath that is the inner Alice, the peanut. What we need to do is get to that peanut.
Sliding over on the couch towards Gabe:
Gabe, I think you have the wrong bag of candy. I’m distinctly a plain M&M. Underneath Alice, there’s just your friendly, neighborhood Devil. There is no inner Alice.
There is!
Why?
Because that’s where your pain is, Alice. That’s where your problem is. The inner Alice is being neglected.
Scoffs:
Oh please...
So let’s just drop the Satan bit for a while, huh?
Getting up:
I don’t believe this; you’re not giving up! You’re convinced that I’m a defense mechanism!
In short, yes!
Gabe, I am the Devil!
Then prove it!
No!
Anything short of demonic torture, Alice, and I won’t listen!
Oh, I’ll show you torture...
Alice winds up and slugs Gabe in the arm. Gabe staggers and looks up at her. Beat.
Whiny:
Owww!
Alice assumes a cocky posture, hitting her shoulders, stepping around Gabe, etc.
Come on!
What?
Hit me back.
What?!
Hit me back!
Gabe straightens himself.
Alice, I don’t get what you mean, I-
Time’s up; my turn!
She hits him in the arm again. Gabe staggers.
Owww! What was that for?
You forfeited your punchback!
My punchback?
Come on, hit for hit. You gonna hit me or not?
Hit you?
Hit me!
Alice, I’m your therapist! We don’t hit people, we find out who hit them as a child!
Alice punches Gabe again, and he crumples to the ground.
Owww!
Alice stands over Gabe and shakes her head.
Sissy...
Gabe begins to get up. Alice begins walking back to the couch. Gabe stands, looks at Alice, and charges at her.
Arghhh!
Gabe takes Alice to the ground, and they wrestle. As they grunt and grapple, Kim walks in from stage left.
Disturbed:
Excuse me...
Gabe and Alice stop, wide-eyed, and look up at Kim. At this point, Gabe is on top of Alice.
Kim!
Beat.
Can you wait just a second?
Gabe and Alice go back to wrestling. Kim stares in disbelief. Gabe pins Alice’s shoulders to the ground. She taps the ground.
Annoyed:
All right!
Yes!
Gabe raises his arms in triumph and gets up. He turns to Kim.
Sorry Kim. I had to lay the smackdown.
I let him win...
Who are you molesting, anyway?
Uh, Kim, this is Alice Osbourne. She’s my patient.
Hi.
Gabe, you’re not a physical therapist.
Kim, I am the doctor...
Good. Because I really need to talk to Dr. Larson.
OK.
He turns to Alice.
Alice, can we pick this up in a few minutes?
Oh, sure. I’ll just see what Karl is up to...
As Alice crosses to stage left, she hits Gabe in the arm. Gabe holds his arm and opens his mouth to whine again as he watches Alice exit. But he looks at Kim again, and simply closes his mouth.
My plane leaves tonight.
Gabe sits on the couch.
I don’t even know if they’ll let me on. Not without a recommendation.
Oh, geez Kim...
Gabe, I left you alone for a whole week about this. A whole week just to simmer down.
It doesn’t make it any different, any less-
Gabe, I know it makes you upset. But do you know why it makes you upset? I don’t. What could you be upset about? Is it because I lied about the last time? Because I didn’t. Is it because it’s illegal? Not by U.S. law; only by the law of a regime that is just as bloody as the rebels. Is it because it’s dangerous? Gabe, I’m a big girl...
Gabe sighs.
Kim, it’s that. It’s my certification thing, and it’s more...
Gabe sighs. Kim sits next to him.
Gabe, if you really don’t want me to go, I won’t. But I need you to know just how important I think this is. Not for me, but for us. That’s why I want the recommendation from you and not some other psychologist. This isn’t about diamonds. It’s about us. It’s so I can believe that there is an us.
Beat.
What about my certification?
Gabe, you’re going to be certified any day now, right? I just need to bring it with me; nobody in this country will need to see it until I come back. By then you should have your certification.
And nobody will get suspicious?
You don’t need to date it or anything. Just to write it.
Gabe exhales.
Gabe, just tell me what you want to do.
Gabe looks at her.
I guess I’m sending you to Africa.
Beat.
Are you sure?
Kim, I trust you. And I believe you when you say we need this.
Kim looks at Gabe. They embrace. Kim releases him and smiles.
Thank you.
I’ll type one up right after my session. How long will you be gone?
About a week.
Smiles:
Bring me a souvenir.
Kim smiles. They hug. Alice and Karl walk in; Alice is biting into a Snickers bar. As she bites, she looks at Karl, and begins to laugh. The two giggle as Gabe and Kim break apart. Kim stands.
Gabe, I’ll see you later.
Stands:
Yeah; come back in an hour or so.
Kim waves, smiling, and exits left. Alice sits.
Oh Karl?
Karl begins to turn to Gabe.
About my certification...
Karl continues to turn fully around and exits left. Gabe sighs.
Perfect.
Gabe sits at the desk, staring out.
Alice, what are your personal, Satanic opinions about love?
Her mouth full:
Mmy Opnnyns?
She stops and swallows.
My opinions? I love love...
No, I’m not talking about abstracts right now. I mean you and Karl. Are you in love with him?
Blushes:
Oh, well Gabe... I couldn’t say...
Because you’re not known to fall in love, although you are known for your wining and wooing.
Well, actually Karl paid for dinner the last time...
Hmmm...
Gabe, I’m not after Karl’s soul; you know that. I’m here for psychiatric help. I wasn’t thinking about love at all...
She sighs.
I guess that’s how it usually happens...
Snapping back.
Oh, but look at me, I’m getting mushy. That’s not the right image for me. I feel kinda stupid...
Well Alice, love makes all of us stupid...
He sighs and looks out.
Hopefully not too stupid...
The lights fade and the scene ends.
The lights come up on Gabe’s desk stage right. The rest of the stage is in total darkness. Gabe, his tie off, sits at the desk, tired. He leans back.
To himself:
*NSYNC rocks...
The phone rings. Gabe answers.
Hello?
The lights come up stage left. Kim is sitting in an airline seat that faces left, though she is angled toward the audience. Kim is on a cell phone.
Gabe, hi!
Kim!
He frowns.
You just left three hours ago. Where are you calling from?
The plane.
Concerned:
On a cell phone? Doesn’t that interfere with navigational instruments?
Indifferent:
Eh.
Gabe rolls his eyes. The Man enters from stage left, dressed as a flight attendant. He offers cocktails to imaginary passengers.
So, anyway, I’ve been reading your recommendation on the plane. It’s really great.
The Man approaches Kim.
Oh, no thanks...
The Man continues and disappears right.
Well, that’s my job. As a criminal psychologist, you write a lot of letters; you write letters to convince states to keep crazy people in jail. It’s sort of like a reverse Amnesty International.
Well, your writing skills are sure to impress the African officials.
Thanks.
Kim smiles.
Ah, Gabe, think of it. We don’t need to hold our breath about school debts, or wedding plans, or anything. Right now we can exhale...
Yeah, well, I think I’ll wait to exhale until you get back home.
Beat. Kim frowns.
Right?
Beat.
Hello?
Gabe, you’re breaking up.
Kim?
I have to go. Love you!
Kim hangs up. The stage left area goes black. Gabe stares at the phone, sighs, and hangs it up. He shakes his head and raps his knuckles against the desk. Gabe checks his watch, picks up the phone, and dials. It rings.
Come on, Karl... You’re not asleep... Wuss...
Lights come up right of center. Karl’s bed is at center, and his side of the bed is illuminated. Karl, clad in t-shirt and boxers, blinks and picks up the phone next to the bed.
Hello?
Karl, you’re not asleep.
Rubs his eyes:
No... no, I’m not asleep... What’s up, Gabe?
I’m just wondering if you heard from LeAnne yet. I’m still here at the office, and she hasn’t called here.
Hmmm...
Has she called you on your cell phone, or at home?
Well Gabe, actually she has called. And, well, she-
Karl stops and frowns.
And?
Gabe, I’m getting a beep; hang on a second.
Lights down on Karl’s bed.
And?! Karl? Karl; hello!
Gabe bangs the receiver against his head. Lights down on Gabe’s desk and up on Karl’s bed.
Hello?
Lights up on the other side of Karl’s bed. Alice is there, on a cell phone, staring out.
Hello Karl.
Alice?
He drops the receiver and turns to her.
Alice!
Still into the phone:
Karl, who’s calling at this hour?
Alice...
He touches Alice’s shoulder. She turns.
Alice, it’s Gabe. And it’s kind of important, so could you just...?
Oh, sure thing.
She ends her cell phone call. Karl smiles and pats her shoulder.
Thanks.
He leans over and grabs the receiver. The lights go down on Alice and up on Gabe. Gabe has put the receiver on the desk, and is amusing himself by pretending to stab a pencil into his eye. Karl waits a beat before speaking.
Hey Gabe?
Gabe fumbles with the pencil, puts it down, and picks up the receiver.
Hey Karl. Now LeAnne called? Did she say anything about my certification?
Yeah, actually she did. Gabe, I’m sorry, but she said you’ve been rejected.
Gabe looks like he’s been punched in the gut.
Rejected?
I’m so sorry, Gabe. It just doesn’t seem right...
Oh man, this is going to be such a hassle...
No, Gabe; first thing tomorrow we can go fight this thing. We can negotiate with LeAnne, appeal to somebody else... Maybe...
And what if I have to reapply?
Biting his lip:
Well, you can’t reapply for another three months...
Gabe sucks in his breath.
Oh God...
Gabe, don’t worry; under my practice, you can continue with one patient. You still have Alice...
Alice’s arm appears from the darkness and wraps around Karl’s shoulders. Karl looks at the unseen Alice.
We still have Alice...
I know, but Karl, I can’t leave it at that! Karl, I’ve got all these criminal reports that I need to shut the door on, and now that can’t happen!
Karl’s eyes go wide as Alice pulls him out of the light. He drops the phone, but Gabe doesn’t notice.
It’s one thing to be in a state of transition for a couple of weeks. Now it’s a couple of months! And I don’t even know why!
He frowns.
Did LeAnne say why I was rejected?
Beat.
Hello?
Karl reappears into the light, flustered and adjusting his boxers. He grabs the phone.
Hello Karl?
Uh, yeah Gabe?
Did LeAnne say why I was rejected?
Actually, yeah. She said that you made a recommendation during the review period.
A recommendation?
Yeah, I don’t know about that, Gabe. Maybe it was something you did a while back that somebody just used now. We’ll have to talk to LeAnne about it.
Geez...
Hey, and if we can’t convince her, maybe Kim can.
Gabe’s jaw drops.
Kim?
Mmmm Hmmm.
Kim Bell? My fiancee?
Yeah. She and LeAnne went to college together. Part of the same sorority.
His head spinning:
Nooo, uhh uhh...
Actually, I think it was Sigma Tau Tau.
How did you know this?
Kim mentioned it a while ago, and then I just remembered again this afternoon when I called LeAnne’s office. Her secretary said she had left early and gone out for a drink with Kim; wish her good luck on her trip.
This afternoon?
Yeah.
Like right after Kim left our office?
I guess so.
And LeAnne called you after that to say I’d been rejected?
Yeah. I don’t even know if LeAnne knows you two are engaged. It’s too bad; we should have had Kim put in a good word for you.
Dead serious:
Maybe that’s what happened...
I guess we’ll have to wait until she gets back.
Oh my God, Karl... I don’t think she’s coming back...
Gabe holds the receiver limply and stares ahead.
Gabe?
Karl, I had it all wrong before. It’s not Alice. Kim’s the real devil...
Gabe?
Gabe continues staring and hangs up the phone. Lights go down on his desk.
Gabe? Hello?
Karl frowns and hangs up. The phone rings again. Karl starts for the receiver, but stops. Lights come up again on Alice’s side of the bed. Alice has the cell phone in her hand, tapping her fingers against her leg, waiting for Karl to answer. Karl looks at her, shakes his head, and finally picks up the receiver.
Into phone:
Alice...
Into phone:
How’d you know it was me?
Karl lets out an amused smile.
Do you have Caller ID?
She quickly glances over Karl’s shoulder at his phone. She sits back down.
No, you don’t...
Alice...
He puts down the phone and turns Alice’s cheek so she faces him.
Let’s talk, face to face...
Alice hangs up the phone.
Alice... You’re an amazing woman...
Oh, I know...
No, Alice, you’re really the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. I’ve never connected with anyone on as deep a level as with you. Any other conversation I have with anyone, I feel like I always say too much. But Alice, with you, I can never say enough...
He smiles.
And it’s got me all mixed up inside... Alice, one part of me wants to spend the rest of eternity with you.
Oh, Karl...
But another part of me is cautious; our relationship is still so young. I don’t know exactly what to do.
Oh, Karl... I feel the same way...
So what should we do?
Well Karl, the only thing that causes these mixed feelings is the fear of misconception. That maybe the Alice Osbourne you see, isn’t the same as the Alice Osbourne on the inside.
Well Alice, that’s basic to therapy, too. There are just some places in you I can’t touch.
Karl begins to blush.
I mean, psychologically...
I know, but Karl, there comes a point where you can get close, close enough to a person to know them as well as anybody can. And Karl, we’re close.
Alice, I feel close, but still, I want to be cautious.
Alice sighs.
Maybe I do have a peanut center...
She turns to him.
Karl, I’m going to get up every day acting as if I’ll be with you forever, and eventually that will be the cautious thing to do.
Karl looks at Alice and smiles.
I think I’ll do the same.
He leans over and kisses her deeply on the cheek.
There’s no woman on Earth like you, Alice Osbourne.
She smiles.
Give me a real kiss, Karl...
She pulls him closer, and the lights fade. The lights come up on Gabe at his desk, on the phone. On the other side of the stage, on the other end of the phone, is The Man. He is dressed as a police officer, with a noticeable badge.
Hello, officer? There’s a woman who’ll be in your city soon. And she’ll have a very interesting suitcase...
Light down. End of Act I.
The act opens in the office, one week later. Gabe has his hands on the desk, standing. Alice sits on the couch, looking at Gabe. They are both a little playful.
Well, Alice? Want to take a test?
Sure.
How about a little, Rorschach?
Ooh, the Jackson Pollock of psychology! Bring on the inkblots!
Will do...
Gabe reaches behind the desk and picks up a large poster sheet. The poster has large inkblots in a row at the top, and progressively smaller blots in each lower row, like an eye examination chart. Alice stares at it.
Well that’s different.
Could you stand over by the door, Alice?
She walks stage left and faces Gabe, who moves downstage and to the right. He holds the chart for Alice to see.
OK, can you read the top line?
Ah, the first one’s a tree, the next a baby, a football, and... a dolphin.
OK, same line, but cover your left eye.
Alice complies.
OK, tree, baby... football, and, eh, that’s more of a swordfish...
Interesting... Try the third line.
Third... eh... a stop sign, a car, backwards “E”, Iwo Jima, and a cassette tape.
Cover your right eye. Any changes?
Mmmm, no... But that car’s definitely a Volvo.
Wow. How about the fifth line?
Squinting:
Well, a rabbit — or maybe a duck... Next is Napoleon Bonaparte, and... I can’t make it out.
OK, good.
He tucks the chart under his arm and goes back to the desk. He sits and puts it down. Alice returns to the couch.
Did I pass?
Gabe finishes scribbling a few notes and looks up at her.
Do you notice you have trouble doing Rorschach tests while driving at night, or in the rain?
Can’t say I have.
Gabe shrugs an affirmative.
You did OK...
Gabe scribbles a few more notes.
Uh, Gabe, can we take a little break? I’m going to run to the ladies room.
Sure.
Getting up:
I’ll be right back.
Alice exits left. Gabe puts down his pen and picks up the chart, ready to slide it under the couch. Karl walks in holding a fruit basket. He stops, Gabe stops, and Karl looks at the poster.
A rabbit, Ferdinand Magellan, a Harrier jet, and the 1968 Mexico City Olympic Games...
Gabe smiles and slides it underneath the couch.
Karl, it’s no fair; you’ve already had time to memorize it all.
Hey, it’s my chart...
What’s the fruit basket for?
I don’t know. It was just delivered for you.
For me? Wow...
Here.
Karl places the basket on the desk and sits. Gabe takes a card from the basket and reads.
“Gabe, thanks for the photos. Con Vincent.” Not bad...
Ah, the perks of criminal justice...
Let me tell you, Karl, these perks are few and far between.
The perks don’t come any faster here...
Smiles:
Why Karl, are you trying to get rid of me?
Aw, no way, Gabe. I love this setup. Besides, you’re the one who’s bringing in the sexy clients.
Uh huh...
Hey, have you talked to Kim? How’s her trip going?
Oooh...
Gabe exhales sharply and leans forward.
Karl, about Kim... It’s over.
What?!
It’s nuts, I know.
It sure is!
I don’t fully understand it myself. But Kim’s the reason I lost out on my certification. I gave her a recommendation and she deliberately got me called on it!
But you two were together for so long!
Karl, I know. Kim was getting into something dangerous with these rebels, but I didn’t know it would involve deceiving me. I still don’t know why. All I know is she’s not coming back.
Gabe, this is insane...
I felt that way too, at first. And I still feel that way. It’s insane. But it’s done. And I guess I just have to accept that.
It doesn’t make it feel any less awful.
Tell me about it...
Karl exhales sharply.
Just when you think you know a girl, she runs off and joins