Couchophilia **FIRST DRAFT** by Mike Mariano Copyright 2001 mikemariano@hotmail.com www.mikemariano.com (Lights up slowly and softly on a living room scene. Some smooth R&B plays faintly. A couch, plush with pillows, is center. After a moment, TONY comes in, dressed to kill, with a sly smile on his face.) TONY: Hello there. (TONY saunters up to the couch and throws himself down upon it. He lays his entire body in sensuous positions on the couch. Squeezing its pillows. Stroking its arms. Running his legs up and down the sides of the cushions. His pelvis - well, you get the picture. TONY is genuinely loving this couch. After an extended caress, TONY straightens himself, props his head up with his arm, and says:) I missed you... (TONY buries his face into the cushion, pushing himself more deeply upon it then before. After a moment goes by, his hand slowly makes its way down to in between the couch cushions, massaging the inside intensely. TONY slowly breaks away again, and begins to unbutton his shirt. He breathes heavily and smiles. Then MOLLY enters. The music stops abruptly and the lights come up full.) MOLLY: Tony? TONY: (Startled:) Molly! MOLLY: Tony, what are you doing? TONY: (Buttoning his shirt:) Can't you see I'm getting dressed? MOLLY: Getting dressed? TONY: Yeah! MOLLY: In the living room? TONY: It's a good a place as any! MOLLY: Uh huh... TONY: (Getting up, zipping his fly.) So, uh... What do you want, anyway? MOLLY: (Taking out a catalog:) I'm just here to return your Ikea catalog. (TONY's eyes go wide and he looks from the couch back to MOLLY.) TONY: That's not mine. MOLLY: Yeah, it is. TONY: No way. MOLLY: Well, it's got your name on the address label... (She shoves the catalog into TONY's hands. TONY looks at it, then at the couch.) TONY: (To the couch:) I only read it for the articles, I swear! MOLLY: Tony! (TONY's head jerks up.) Get a grip. (TONY stops for a beat, then shakes his head.) TONY: No, you're right, you're right. I've got to- I'm going to... (His gaze stops on the catalog.) I'm going to run to the bathroom for a second... (TONY runs his hand along the couch and begins to exit.) Later... (TONY exits. MOLLY, perplexed, sits down on the couch. She sighs, glances around the room, and pats the couch. She slowly begins to run her hand up and down the cushion, almost absentmindedly. The R&B returns. MOLLY lets out another sigh and looks down at the couch.) MOLLY: Goddamn you; you're still irresistible... (With that, she falls over and begins to deeply kiss the couch. MOLLY's tryst is just as intense as was TONY's, pushing herself deeper and deeper into the couch. She lifts, herself up, her hair tousled, and gasps for air.) We've got to stop meeting like this... (She throws herself back to the couch. After a few moments, she reverses her position on the couch, smiles, and begins to lick the cushion rhythmically. MOLLY begins to moan. Offstage, a toilet flushes. The music stops. MOLLY freezes, looks up, then looks back at the couch.) To be continued... (She kisses the palm of her hand and places it on the couch, then jumps off. She straightens her hair and clothing, then turns to the couch and puts its pillows back in order. TONY walks in, adjusting his belt.) TONY: What are you doing? MOLLY: (Stepping back, holding a pillow:) Just fluffing the pillows... TONY: Yeah, I'll bet. (He grabs the pillow from MOLLY and throws it back on the couch.) Now why don't you just run along now? MOLLY: Alright, Tony... (She traces her fingers along the arm of the couch as she begins to exit.) I'll see you later... (TONY mumbles an incoherent response as MOLLY exits. He shakes his head and sits on the couch. He looks out and squeezes its arm.) TONY: I don't like her. I don't like that Molly. She's trying to come between us... (Sighs:) I don't want anything to change... (With his other hand, TONY supportively rubs the cushion, as he finishes, he lifts his hand, stops, then looks at it.) What's this? (He holds up a long hair.) Oh my- Oh my God! (He looks at the couch.) You've been cheating on me! (Shocked, he looks around, then recoils and stands up.) Don't touch me! I can't believe this! This is- (TONY bites his hand.) I'm going to be sick... (He staggers for a bit, then looks back at the couch.) Was it worth it? (Beat.) No, I really want to know, was she worth it? Worth all the pain? The deceit? I can't believe you; I really can't- (Angrily, he takes a pillow.) Baby, I treated you good. I played sugar daddy, I know. I'm the one who got you, got you all these... (He shakes the pillow for emphasis, then throws it to the ground.) All of these, and it's all gone to waste! (He lifts one of the cushions.) Who do you think paid for your upholstery? You think I did this just so you could go have a fling, go off and have fun without me? Uh uh; no way! (He tosses the cushion aside, then knocks the other cushion to the ground.) I did this for us. I did this for us! That's all I wanted. I wanted us. Oh God... (He starts to break down.) I thought we really had something here, you know? I really did. I thought it was you and me. I wanted it to be you and me! But no, you just couldn't have it that way; now you've gone and... (He sniffs.) It's too much. It's just too much... (TONY sighs and looks at the couch.) I guess this is it, then. We're done. You just go along with Molly and continue your unnatural relationship... (He turns his back to the couch.) Go ahead; we're done. You've made your decision, now stick to it. (He stands, arms folded. After a moment, he looks back at the couch.) Having second thoughts now, huh? Life without Tony's not looking so good... (He shakes his head.) You can't have it both ways, honey. If you stay, you've got to stay true... (He sighs and kneels down next to the couch.) And I'll be true, too. I'm for real, baby... (Beat.) I still remember when we first met. Best goddamn Presidents Day weekend of my life... (TONY smiles.) And to think, I went in there thinking about picking up a breakfast table or something, setting my standards real low. A friend of mine told me to go check out the patio furniture, but I didn't know how I felt experimenting with wicker... (Pause.) And then I saw you. (He looks at the couch.) Love at first sight, honey, and there was no way I was going back. Right then and there in Aisle Six and I swore I had to have you. I'm still paying for that decision today. But baby, you're worth every interest payment... (He sighs.) We've had some great times... The Super Bowl party... The nights we've spent falling asleep watching TV together... The time I lost my keys, and you had them the whole time... (TONY smirks at the couch.) You're everything to me, you know that? (He puts a hand on the couch.) Everything... (TONY gets up and hugs the side of the couch. He holds this embrace. Finally he breaks away and looks at the couch.) Let's never fight again... (He embraces the couch again, then kisses it softly. The soft kiss becomes deeper. And deeper. TONY puts his leg up over the couch's arm. His body moves up and down the side of the couch. This is slower and more gentle then his previous rendezvous. He slowly breaks away and looks at the couch.) I love you. (The lights dim and a powerful love ballad begins to play as TONY moves around to the front of the couch. Very gently, he runs his hands along the couch and reaches into it. He unfolds the bed portion of the sleeper couch. With the bed fully extended, TONY begins to unbutton his shirt as the music comes up and the lights fade.) THE END